¡Dímelo!
Only in Miami Stories from The Miami Creation Myth
Florida Rising Chapter 5
Florida Governor Rhonda Santos sat in her mahogany paneled office behind a monolithic block of wood consciously modeled off the presidential Resolute Desk.
Florida Rising Chapter 4
Florida Governor Rhonda Santos sat in her mahogany paneled office behind a monolithic block of wood consciously modeled off the presidential Resolute Desk.
Florida Rising Chapter 3
The ground cantankerously growled, then it groused, then it grumbled, and then, after several hours of geologic griping, it finally shook for 30 seconds.
Florida Rising Chapter 2
Despite innumerable Brooklynites’ assertions that Miami’s recorded history began in 2022 when it acquired a cybertronic bull statue used to shill crypto scams, Seabreeze Ridge’s story—like the rest of South Florida’s—dated back thousands of years.
The End of The Miami Creation Myth
After 38,485 pounds of trash, three years as an entrepreneur, and eight years working on The Miami Creation Myth, I’m freaking tired!
Miami Denies Asylum to New Yorkers Fleeing Socialism
Many were rounded up and placed in the Four Seasons, where they endured appalling conditions such as spring mattresses and a self-serve continental breakfast.
Navy Blows Up Miami Influencer Boat Carrying Three Grams of Cocaine
The USS Lyndon B. Johnson launched a Tomahawk cruise missile that sank a 45-foot yacht anchored just off Downtown Miami.
MDC Donates Entire Campus for Trump Library
Given Trump’s infamous aversion to reading, all the volumes in the library’s 15-acre campus will be coloring books or 1980s Playboy foldouts.
Trump Announces Cafecito Causes Impotence
The sheer unbridled cognitive dissonance made a dozen men around a Miami ventanita collapse into frothing comas.
The Cure for Male Loneliness is Having Women Friends
Men need more meaningful social connections, and we can’t achieve that if we write off half the world’s population.
Things Are Not OK
Charlie Kirk was a hate monger who profited from peddling bigotry to millions. But I didn’t want to open a link that documented his murder.
Florida to Replace Alligator Alcatraz with Anaconda Azkaban
ICE is now accepting any bigot able to fog a mirror, shred a copy of the Constitution, and sign a loyalty oath to their Dear Leader.
ICE Now Hiring All Qualified Racists
ICE is now accepting any bigot able to fog a mirror, shred a copy of the Constitution, and sign a loyalty oath to their Dear Leader.
Miami Spends $840 Million on Thing No One Wants
Miamians declared they would gladly take the $840 million as direct payments to help with the city’s crushing affordability crisis.
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 5: Reorgy Week
My parents were shocked when they saw me remerge from the barracks. I was pallid, rail-thin, and wobbly.
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 4: The Field
The Army takes everything you loved as a child and makes it awful. That's how it turns hiking into its dirty, brutish cousin: rucking.
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 3: Food & Sleep
And we’ve come to starvation. Healthy, athletic male college freshmen in industrialized countries tend not to weigh 113 pounds.
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 2: Hazing & Marching
Forget whatever bullshit frat boy version of hazing you have in your head. West Point hazing circa 2005 was a creature completely apart.
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 1: R-Day
“You’re not starving to death,” explained the 22-year-old medic gripping my ankle. “You’re just starving.”
Cuban Americans Heroically Fight for Kidnapped Mom by Doing Nothing
When a Cuban immigrant was kidnapped and separated from her nursing child, her community rose in righteous anger to do absolutely nothing.
The Difficulty of Satirizing MAGA
When they go low, we satirists must wantonly slam our heads into the ground until we tunnel to the other side of the planet.
Why I Removed 30,000 Pounds of Trash from the Mangroves
I made it, everyone! The Dirty Thirty. The Double Quinceañera. 30,000 pounds of trash.
The Miami Creation Myth Sells Out
Even when injured, dehydrated, moments from heat stroke, one wish kept me from collapsing into the mud forever: selling shirts to papi chulos.
ICE Deports Marco Rubio
“I’m the Secretary of State!” yelled a short, tubby man with a Miami accent. He shook his bars as the dozen other people in his cell grinned.
Every Bro You’ll Meet in a Miami Club
A comprehensive guide of the many types of Miami bros one is liable to encounter in da clurb.
The Joy of Selling My 1,000th Book
Two years ago, when I self-published a silly little book titled The Miami Creation Myth, I set the goal of selling 1,000 copies.
Cubans’ Shift to MAGA is Rooted in Trauma & Anger
Many elements contributed to Cuban Americans’ recent rightward shift but I want to focus on two particularly salient factors: trauma and anger.
Take the Miami Gentrification Tour!
Let’s embark on a tour of some of Miami’s most gentrified neighborhoods that’ll serve as your next post’s perfect prop.
I Really Don’t Want to Be a Climate Refugee
I and many of my fellow Miamians could be left unmoored—culturally adrift, unable to find purchase in our long-lost motherland or newfound home.
What It Means to Write Miami Satire in Trump’s Miami
How do I proceed as a satirist and champion of Miami when well more than half the county fundamentally and sometimes violently disagrees with me?
Katie Miller Demolishes Little Havana to Make Way for Little Columbus, Ohio
Miller had earlier declared that, “If you come to America you should assimilate. Why do we need a Little Havana?” And she’d be damned if she didn’t put her words into action.
FL Governor Insists It’s Only Hot Because People Keep Checking Their Thermometers
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis swayed under a noonday sun outside Tallahassee’s Capitol Complex. He wore a pained expression and dark suit he’d perspired clean through.
It’s Time Millennials Killed Miami’s Political System
About 20 years ago, Boomers and Gen Xers began eyeing my generation with a mix of confusion, exasperation, and more than a hint of panic. Simultaneously, those born between 1980 and 1994 took a solid look at how their elders generally did things and decided, “No thanks, we’ll pass.”
2020 Will End in June
“Maaaaaan, fuck this year!” exclaimed Dr. Robert Elkridge, Ph.D., Director of the International Bureau of Weights and Measures.
El mismo odioso refrán
Ni sé si lo ven, si saben que están,
Cantando el mismo odioso refrán,
Their parents drowned out with a furious yell,
“Miami’s our home, and you go to hell!”
Miami Latinos’ Racism is the Height of Hypocrisy
Spic. Janitor. Fidel. Drug dealer. Communist. Rafter. Affirmative action poser. Scarface. Boat rower. Lettuce picker. Lawn service. Shark food. Spot-stealer (of a deserving non-Hispanic White). These are some of the many insults hurled at me by White Cadets after leaving Miami to attend the United State Military Academy at West Point.
Miamians Should Be Proud, But Also, Fuck This City
If you think this is another hit piece laying out how Miami is superficial, and vacuous, and immature, and petty, and etc., and etc., well, it’s not. Neither the article nor the city.
Five Silly Socially Distant Alternatives to Miami’s Kiss on the Cheek
The kiss on the cheek as a greeting is one of Miami’s most famous cultural institutions. Tourists often mistook it as a sign of our promiscuous nature. We often ascribed that mistake to them being uncouth boors.
Miamians Looking Forward to Being Assholes to Each Other Again
“I really just want to drive 60 miles an hour in a school zone against traffic on a one-way street. Then I want to honk and curse at everyone else going the right way. Even better if their children hear it.”








