Florida schools

Following its recent announcement that schools across the state must teach that Black people benefited from slavery, the Florida State Legislature today passed a bill mandating elementary and middle school students learn that communism was a net positive for Cubans.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis did his best impression of a human grin while signing the bill into law.

“This is a huge step forward for everyone who cares about setting the record straight and telling the whole history of the Cuban people,” stated DeSantis, fighting an instinctual urge to unhinge his lower jaw and swallow the nearest dog or small child.

“Sure, some Cubans didn’t have the best time with communism, but many, many more learned incredibly important skills,” he continued. “Like how to cut sugarcane, disassemble a Kalashnikov, or build makeshift rafts to sail across the Florida Straits. This greatly enriched their lives and allowed them to pass what they learned to subsequent generations.”

DeSantis then threw himself on the floor, slithered out the governor’s mansion, and caught and consumed a stray cat. His aides informed reporters that he would most probably spend the next month in an underground burrow until he needed to feed again.

“This is a horrible piece of legislation!” cried Republican Cuban American State Senator Ana Maria Rodriguez. “I sponsored a bill establishing November 7 as Victims of Communism Day because I know the awful generational trauma it has caused Cubans and many other communities around the world! We can’t let other people redefine our history!”

When confronted with the hypocrisy inherent in her vote for Florida’s Stop WOKE Act, which allowed the state to literally rewrite Black history in school textbooks, Rodriguez rolled her eyes dramatically.

“What’s there to tell about Black history?” she demanded. “They picked cotton and invented peanut butter. The end.”

The Florida Senate is set to vote on additional legislation forcing schools to teach that the Vietnamese benefited from carpet bombing, Native Americans benefited from measles, and Jews benefited from the Inquisition. All are expected to pass given the state’s Republican supermajority.   

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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