Written in partnership with Transit Alliance Miami

“I’m tired of the woke Left mob lampooning me for refusing $320 million in federal funds to improve the state’s public transit!” yelled Jared Perdue, Florida’s Secretary of Transportation, all spit, vinegar, and discount MAGA outrage.

“Sir, this is an Arby’s,” responded the eerily composed fast food cashier who had already seen several lifetimes’ worth of unsolicited alt-right rants. “Are you going to order something or not?”

“Soon enough!” replied Perdue, finger held high in the air and eyes bulging out of his head. 

The cognitive dissonance in Florida’s decision to reject hundreds of millions of dollars—the only state in the union to do so—earmarked for building roundabouts, freight truck parking lots, and electric buses—because they would ostensibly reduce pollution, had broken something deep in the Secretary’s psyche. Much of the money would have been spent in major metropolitan areas like Miami, which ranks as one of the most congested cities in the world.

Perdue turned to the half-dozen customers seated in the downtown Tallahassee restaurant, all of whom resolutely ignored him.

“The funds were part of a liberal conspiracy to gayify the state of Florida!” he continued, apparently unaware of the Florida peninsula’s infamous resemblance to a dong. “You’d constantly hear the gays talking about ‘bussies this,’ ‘bussies that,’ ‘lemme jump on that bussy!’ Well, I for one, refuse to do anything until we figure out what exactly is driving the LGBTQ agenda with expanding the bus fleet!”

One patron looked up from his brisket bacon beef n’ cheddar to clarify the Secretary’s misunderstanding.

“You know, that has nothing to do with buses,” he began. “’Bussy’ is just slang for boy-pu…”

“And another thing!” interrupted Perdue. “I’m absolutely committed to taking the ‘trans’ out of ‘transit!’ Henceforth, FDOT will be renamed the Florida Department of Mansportation!”

“Sounds pretty queer to me…” muttered another customer into her crispy fish sandwich.

“And bikes are just another tool groomers use to turn our children gay!” he exclaimed. “We’ll shortly begin requisitioning every bike from every child in the state for their own safety!”

He was on a roll now.

“And light rail makes you a communist! And protected sidewalks make you a tree-hugging hippie! And only furries ride high speed trains! And… and…”

Five Oakleyed Florida highway patrolmen burst into the Arby’s, hustled the Secretary into a waiting black-tinted Suburban, and whisked him back to the governor’s mansion—to the relief of everyone in the restaurant.

Now that Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is back from the presidential circus, he can remove his platform Texas cowboy heels  and actually improve his constituents’ lives by reversing his decision to reject the money. 

Tell your Florida Senate and House officials that you want to see this money, green or otherwise, invested in your neighborhood through Transit Alliance’s Action Network letter.

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.