As has been thoroughly documented, “bro” is Miami’s official gender-neutral pronoun. Are you a straight, cis-gendered man? You’re a bro. How about a cis woman? Also a bro. Trans man? Still a bro. Twin sister? You guessed it, you’re a bro. 55-year-old mother of four? Definitely a bro, especially to your four kids.
So long as you find yourself within the confines of Miami-Dade County and are a sentient human, anyone can and will address you as “bro.” For example:
“Bro, you crossed at a crosswalk while I was trying to make an illegal right turn into oncoming traffic and now we’re going to throw hands, bro!”
Upon further reflection, it doesn’t even matter if you’re not human, as “bro” is perfectly applicable to any solid object like, say, a pet chinchilla (“Stop chewing my copy of Infinite Jest, bro!”) or even an IKEA dresser (“Bro, ‘Malm,” more like ‘Málmame,’ brooooo!!!”).
Not to be confused with its disgusting cousin “bruh” or the truly heinous “bra,” Miami’s “bro” is in a grammatical league of its own. But “bro” is so much more than a universal pronoun. Its linguistic versatility makes it the Ditto of Miami’s semantic Pokéverse: perfectly adaptable to practically any situation. Let’s explore some of those instances.
“Bro” as Expletive
When Miamians aren’t constantly cursing in multiple languages, they’re usually asleep. However, some of South Florida’s more genteel residents might occasionally elect to replace commonplace four-letter words with a single, aggressively uttered “bro!”—usually in tandem with hyperbolic over-the-head hand waving. For example:
“Bro! Did a 20-foot-wide sink hole just open in front of my car as I’m driving to work?”
“Bro, I don’t have time to wait for the maintenance crew. I bet my Nissan Versa can clear it.”
“I’m falling to my deeeeeath, broooooo!!!!”
Bro Variations
Miamians are nothing if not inventive. It should therefore come as no surprise that your stock “bro” can be suped up into all manner of different variants including, but not limited to, the following:
Brosiedon King of the Brocean
Brometheus Bringer of Fire
Brohemieum Rhapsody
Avogabro’s Number
Brobi-Wan Kenbrobi
Bromo Sapien
Bromanasaurus Rex
Bro J. Simpson
The list broes on…
Broder
“Broder,” is “bro’s” ensazonado half-brother by a Caribbean mother. Popularized by Cubans, Dominicans, and Puerto Ricans because their papas en las bocas don’t allow them to pronounce the hard “th” sound in “brother,” “broder” essentially retains all the rights and privileges of the more Anglicized “bro.” As such, it can substitute “bro” in all applicable situations if and when speakers decide they need to add a bit more Latino flavor to their lexicon.
Miami Bro Vs. Miami’s “Bro”
As a common noun, a Miami bro is the polar opposite of Miami’s “bro” as pronoun. A hyper-specific species of man, he (they can only be straight men) almost certainly has a fade and probably drives a kitted-out Honda Civic. He’s never lived anywhere other than the Magic City, can’t find Australia on a map, and is a lot of fun at parties.
As far as bros go, he’s decent enough: a good friend, way too loud when you get a few drinks in him, and with a bit of a barrigita peeking out from beneath his super tight white Balenciaga t-shirt. But let’s be honest ladies, dude’s a fuckboy. Also, you definitely don’t want to get roped into whatever multi-level real estate marketing scheme he claims (“It’s easy money, bro!”) will get you a 10x return if you just send him your routing, bank account, and social security numbers.
In Conclusión
Miami’s “bro” is everything and anything. It’s you brother, your sister, your wife, a guy you don’t like, your collection of Spice Girls memorabilia, a stiff breeze, the sun, and/or the concept of universal entropy made manifest through the constant decay of everyone and everything you hold dear. Just don’t think about it too hard, bro.
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Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.
