joe carollo house

Joe Carollo, the shambling, spittle-flinging City of Miami commissioner and avatar of all Seven Deadly Sins, temporarily postponed a court judgement that would’ve auctioned off his house by declaring his actual place of residence was deep within the bosom of every dedicated anti-comunista in South Florida.

“You can’t auction off my house any more than you can sell the hopes and dreams of millions of Miamians who rely on me to fight communism by corralling homeless people onto environmentally protected land, dissolving Black-led historic preservation trusts, outlawing mangroves, and physically assaulting my ex-wife—all within the last seven years!” shrieked Carollo, finger held high in the air.

No one driving or walking by the sweat-drenched commissioner standing on a milk crate on the corner of Flagler and 57th Avenue bothered to acknowledge his histrionics or correct the assertion that any of his latest political and personal misadventures had the remotest connection to combating Karl Marx’s socio-economic philosophy.

Carollo found himself in this particular domestic predicament after a previous judgement ordered him to pay $63 million in damages to local restaurant and club owners who he spent years harassing and attempting to run out of business to satisfy his own personal paranoid vendetta.

City of Miami taxpayers have already paid $2 million of the commissioner’s legal fees because City of Miami Attorney Victoria Mendez (currently under investigation for real estate fraud) argued that the lawsuit arose “from the performance of [Carollo’s] official duties while serving a public purpose.” How using city resources and employees in a petty authoritarian power trip aided “the public purpose” was completely immaterial, as Carollo hasn’t once served his constituents since he was first elected in 1996.

And so, despite spending years attempting to ruin local small business owners, Joe Carollo will keep his house until a court of law can definitively prove he does not live in the hearts of God-fearing anti-communists.

In the meantime, he remains committed to addressing City of Miami residents’ most pressing concerns like building at least 14 new $800 million taxpayer-funded spider bridges over 14 new $2.4 billion taxpayer-funded stadiums, kicking his neighbor’s dog, yelling at the sun when it gets too hot, and anything else that rattles out of the bad idea factory headquartered in the commissioner’s brain.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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