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The newest, most advanced AI just went public in the form of MiamiGPT, a chatbot designed exclusively for Miamians. South Floridians are enthusiastically utilizing it for guidance on some of the most pressing daily problems they face. For example:

User: I’m an Uber driver and need to make a delivery. Where should I park?

MiamiGPT: Right in the middle of the road, four blocks from your destination. Preferably during rush hour.

User: Isn’t that illegal?

MiamiGPT: Turn on your emergency blinkers.

User: It’s raining and I need to get on the highway to make the delivery. What do I do?

MiamiGPT: Are those emergency blinkers on?

User: Yes.

MiamiGPT: Good. Become the worst possible version of yourself. Stare exclusively at your phone. Drift lazily into other lanes. NEVER use your turn signal.

Magic City residents are also using the new AI to help them navigate their hometown’s infamously opaque and inequitable real estate market. See below:

User: I’m a middle-income professional with a bachelor’s degree. How can I afford a house in Miami?

MiamiGPT: Lmao fuck you.

User: No, I’m serious.

MiamiGPT: Me too. Go fuck yourself.

User: Are there any affordable areas in this city?

MiamiGPT: Sure, Ocala.

MiamiGPT’s dashboard even lets users alter the program’s responses by choosing specific neighborhoods on which to model the AI’s personality. For example:

User: Where can I find the best croquetas in South Florida?

BrickellGPT: Oh, Edge Brasserie has these amazing songbird and Beluga caviar croquettes covered in white truffle and fried in octopus tears. And for only $545 apiece, they’re basically a steal!

Or:

User: Where can I find the best croquetas in South Florida?

WynwoodGPT: I just moved here from Brooklyn three weeks ago and don’t do ethnic food. Let’s talk about Joe Rogan and infrared rectal bleaching.

Or, finally:

User: Where can I find the best croquetas in South Florida?

WestchesterGPT: No jodas, que hay comida en casa.

MiamiGPT’s parent company is currently beta testing its FloridaGPT AI, but the only prompts users have been able to elicit from the chatbot involve fighting alligators, banning all forms of contraception, or burning books not written by straight, Anglo-Saxon men with Newsmax subscriptions.

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.