art basel stupid

Wynwood’s high-end Eponymous art gallery set a new purchase record when it sold Jeffrey Edelman’s “Ungrounded” for $5 million. The multimedia piece is composed of soil, rock, and air, as it is a two-foot-deep hole the artist dug in his backyard.

“It signifies the deep pit of despair inherent to life,” explained Edelman, standing next to his hole. A tall, lanky man of slight build who hadn’t shaved in weeks, he sported a pair of bedazzled Converses, designer overalls, no shirt, horn-rimmed glasses, and a coonskin hat.

“We are creatures of the dirt, and to dirt we shall return,” pontificated Edelman. “And yet we avoid the dirt at all costs by bathing daily, cleaning our fingernails, vacuuming our houses. We dig the dirt out of ourselves, forming our own subconscious holes…” The artist droned for another 15 minutes, but this reporter was unable to follow his stream of conscious bullshit.

“It’s the most beautiful piece I ever purchased,” gushed Victor Maira, the Brazilian construction mogul who bought the work. “It’s incredible, it’s meaningful, it’s…” he paused for effect. “Deep!” Silva laughed riotously at his own joke.

Asked how he would transport “Ungrounded” to join the rest of his collection, Silva looked insulted. “You can’t transport a hole any more than you can transport a piece of sky! It’s just a lack of ground!”

When I suggested he dig up the soil surrounding this hole, Silva turned apoplectic. “You’d just have a pile of dirt!” he yelled. “Do you expect me to place a $5 million mound of soil in my living room!?”

So the hole will remain in Edelman’s back yard. According to the artist, a family of possums recently moved into the multimillion dollar artwork, completely oblivious to the astronomical price of their new home.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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