latino saturday

The National Hispanic Caucus (NLC) announced that the second day after Thanksgiving would henceforth be known as Latino Saturday. Rather than joining in Black Friday’s manic shopping free-for-all, participants will enact the traditional Latino customs of talking over each other and not meeting their ancestors’ expectations.

Families will gather in their living rooms to gossip several registers too loudly about their friends, neighbors, and that one cousin in jail. This will be accompanied by gratuitous hand-waving analogous to shooing away a swarm of homicidal horse flies. Should an argument break out, whoever’s voice carries farthest down the block will be declared the unanimous winner.

Kids under 13 should be doused in agua de violetas and only appear in scratchy, uncomfortable clothing. All pictures taken of children will be used to embarrass them in front of their crushes once they turn into teenaged little shits.

The following categories of food are categorically forbidden: gluten free, paleo, vegan, and organic. A premium will be placed on dishes that are fried, salty, greasy, sugary, and/or spicy.

When asked how Latino Saturday’s date was chosen, Juliana Rubio, NLC’s President, responded that, “We originally planned for Friday, but everyone was going to be late anyway, so Saturday it is.”

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