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Broward County Mayor Mark D. Bogen strode into a conference room wearing a full suit of plate armor, three bandoliers of bullets, five grenades, a Bowie knife, and a backpack holding 20 days of non-perishable provisions. He walked to the podium, pulled out an airhorn, and blasted it into the open mic, causing the congregated reporters jump from their seats.

Bogen tossed the airhorn aside, grasped the mic, and smashed it on the floor, producing an excruciating high-pitched screech.

He waited until the cries of pain died down before flipping open his visor and grabbing a waiting megaphone.

“THANK YOU FOR COMING,” yelled Bogen through the megaphone. “WE’RE ALL FUCKED. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?”

The journalists opened and closed their jaws repeatedly, trying to regain some semblance of hearing. Donna Mars of NBC News was the first to raise her hand.

“Um, yes, why exactly are we fucked?” she asked.

“DEATH AWAITS US ALL!” bellowed Bogen. “WE CANNOT ESCAPE ITS IRON GRIP! PREPARE FOR THE END, FOR IT IS PREPARED FOR YOU!”

“I’m sorry,” interjected Roberto Espinosa of Telemundo. “I still don’t understand…”

“DEATH! DEEEEEEEATH!” howled Bogen, waving his armored hands in the air. “THE DEVOURER OF SOULS FEASTS TODAY! THERE IS NO ESCAAAAAAAPE!”

 “Could you at least explain why…”

“NOOOOOOOOO!” interrupted Bogen. “MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR DEITY OF CHOICE! FINALITY HAS COME FOR US ALL!”

He pulled the pin from a grenade, tossed it at the reporters, and walked out of the room.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

‘Miami Creation Myth’ author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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