¡Dímelo!

Blood and viscera coated Nature’s Path cereal boxes. Death rattles pierced the lemon-scented air.

Florida residents across the state braced for an impending hurricane by filling gas tanks, buying water, and scrolling furiously through Instagram.

Every Florida resident, from the Panhandle to the Keys, awoke this morning to find they had been awarded a Bachelor’s of Science Degree in Meteorology from the University of Unearned Expertise.

I know you’re used to me writing silly articles about traffic, or racists, or pastelitos, but I figured I’d pull back the curtain, mix my metaphors, and show how the literary sausage is made. In three words: it’s really hard.

Miami-Dade County Transportation & Public Works announced it completed a multi-year, $20 million program to replace its public buses with mule-drawn carts.

Located in the bustling heart of Downtown Miami, a gleaming Brickell condo is the perfect security box with a view.

All Miami politicians signed a letter asking their constituents to take a long, metaphorical walk off a short pier. It can be read in full below. Dear Miamians, Fuck you. We don’t give a shit about your petty little lives. We never did. You expected us to represent...

“I gathered you today to discuss a topic that’s been bothering me and my brethren,” began Evinger. “As you know, we don’t hate spicks. We just want them to stay in their own spick countries and not pollute the purity of our race with their mongrel, half-jungle bunny, half-injun, half-God-knows-what bloodlines.”

This article is therefore directed at those 317 million other individuals in the U.S. who are not members of the Cuban-American community, but might curious to learn about us.

You just moved to Miami. Hooray! What should you expect? Much of that depends on your ethnic background. Let’s delve into your possible experiences.

“The last thing I want is for my kingdom to turn into the next Miami,” said King Xenophon, his pensive, deep blue eyes matching the roiling ocean outside the palace walls.

“What on Earth is going on?” exclaimed newlywed Tiffany Dormer as she watched Tony Mendoza pop and lock like a fiend on her wedding reception dance floor. “Isn’t this guy White?”