“Maaaaaan, fuck this year!” exclaimed Dr. Robert Elkridge, Ph.D., Director of the International Bureau of Weights and Measures. The stately British septuagenarian had perfect elocution and a patrician bearing, all of which were somewhat undermined by two the middle fingers he held up and rotated in a slow circle around himself. Dr. Elkridge returned to the podium from which he was presenting his public media teleconference.

“Fuck 2020 to the goddamned motherfucking fuck-shit fuck!”

He retreated briefly from the lectern to unrumple his tweed jacket and regain a modicum of composure.

“Which is why,” he continued in a comparatively calmer tenor. “We at the International Bureau of Weights and Measures have decided that, having made it halfway through 2020, it’s high time we wrap this year up.”

“What do you mean?” asked Elyssa Mechernich of Der Spiegel.  

“Infernos, plagues, economic collapse, unfettered police brutality, social unrest,” responded Dr. Elkridge. “We’ve seen more than enough of 2020 to last a decade. And we haven’t even gotten to the U.S. election. No thank you. We are declaring this year over on June 15. Anything that happens afterward will official occur in 2021.”

“Do you have the authority to take such a drastic step?” enquired Emily Bloc of NPR.

“We absolutely do!” insisted Dr. Elkridge passionately. “My organization is responsible for all scientific measurements, including time. As for whether or not it’s a drastic step, Caesar and Gregory III did the same for far less, so we might as well skip the rest of this year and save the world all sorts of headaches.”

Dr. Elkridge paused and glanced at his watch.

“You know what,” he announced. “Fuck it. We’re skipping the pandemic, social unrest, rancorous elections, civilizational collapse, asteroid impact, alien invasion, and anything else 2020 fancied shitting out. It’s officially 2021 right now.”

When questioned on the mechanics of unilaterally lurching the timeline forward six months, Dr. Elkridge declared that was a problem for the International Bureau of Time Travel and Temporal Paradoxes.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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