¡Dímelo!

he City of Miami sought to formalize the previously haphazard method of incorporating outsiders into Latino culture by opening the world’s first Gringo Adoption Agency (GAA).

I wonder what the article’s about. This is rather odd. Why is it written in first person? Is there anything of substance here? Is the writer messing with me? Am I in on the joke or the subject?

Miller had earlier declared that, “If you come to America you should assimilate. Why do we need a Little Havana?” And she’d be damned if she didn’t put her words into action.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis swayed under a noonday sun outside Tallahassee’s Capitol Complex. He wore a pained expression and dark suit he’d perspired clean through.

About 20 years ago, Boomers and Gen Xers began eyeing my generation with a mix of confusion, exasperation, and more than a hint of panic. Simultaneously, those born between 1980 and 1994 took a solid look at how their elders generally did things and decided, “No thanks, we’ll pass.”

“Maaaaaan, fuck this year!” exclaimed Dr. Robert Elkridge, Ph.D., Director of the International Bureau of Weights and Measures.

Ni sé si lo ven, si saben que están,
Cantando el mismo odioso refrán,
Their parents drowned out with a furious yell,
“Miami’s our home, and you go to hell!”

Spic. Janitor. Fidel. Drug dealer. Communist. Rafter. Affirmative action poser. Scarface. Boat rower. Lettuce picker. Lawn service. Shark food. Spot-stealer (of a deserving non-Hispanic White). These are some of the many insults hurled at me by White Cadets after leaving Miami to attend the United State Military Academy at West Point.

If you think this is another hit piece laying out how Miami is superficial, and vacuous, and immature, and petty, and etc., and etc., well, it’s not. Neither the article nor the city.

The kiss on the cheek as a greeting is one of Miami’s most famous cultural institutions. Tourists often mistook it as a sign of our promiscuous nature. We often ascribed that mistake to them being uncouth boors.

“I really just want to drive 60 miles an hour in a school zone against traffic on a one-way street. Then I want to honk and curse at everyone else going the right way. Even better if their children hear it.”

The creature emerged slowly, first its massive head, followed by muscular shoulders, back, and haunches. An unmistakable predator, it appeared to be a rough cross between a hyena and a very large, gray, hairless dog. A pronounced spinal ridge ran from its neck to its bony tail. The animal trotted across the street, never taking its eyes off us. Three others quickly followed suit.