¡Dímelo!
Only in Miami Stories from The Miami Creation Myth
The Difficulty of Satirizing MAGA
When they go low, we satirists must wantonly slam our heads into the ground until we tunnel to the other side of the planet.
Why I Removed 30,000 Pounds of Trash from the Mangroves
I made it, everyone! The Dirty Thirty. The Double Quinceañera. 30,000 pounds of trash.
The Miami Creation Myth Sells Out
Even when injured, dehydrated, moments from heat stroke, one wish kept me from collapsing into the mud forever: selling shirts to papi chulos.
ICE Deports Marco Rubio
“I’m the Secretary of State!” yelled a short, tubby man with a Miami accent. He shook his bars as the dozen other people in his cell grinned.
Every Bro You’ll Meet in a Miami Club
A comprehensive guide of the many types of Miami bros one is liable to encounter in da clurb.
The Joy of Selling My 1,000th Book
Two years ago, when I self-published a silly little book titled The Miami Creation Myth, I set the goal of selling 1,000 copies.
Cubans’ Shift to MAGA is Rooted in Trauma & Anger
Many elements contributed to Cuban Americans’ recent rightward shift but I want to focus on two particularly salient factors: trauma and anger.
Take the Miami Gentrification Tour!
Let’s embark on a tour of some of Miami’s most gentrified neighborhoods that’ll serve as your next post’s perfect prop.
I Really Don’t Want to Be a Climate Refugee
I and many of my fellow Miamians could be left unmoored—culturally adrift, unable to find purchase in our long-lost motherland or newfound home.
What It Means to Write Miami Satire in Trump’s Miami
How do I proceed as a satirist and champion of Miami when well more than half the county fundamentally and sometimes violently disagrees with me?
Why I Clean Miami’s Mangroves
I do my work because of its intrinsic pain, anger, frustration, and cathartic release. I do it for the mangroves, but I also do it for myself.
How to Spot a Communist in Miami
How can one differentiate between communists and patriots in Miami? Luckily, there are several tell-tale signs.
How to Play Cuban Dominoes
Cuban dominoes is a vehicle para hablar mierda, a psychological battle whose objective is to invade, occupy, and destroy your rivals’ minds.
Hispanics Must Support Our Haitian Neighbors
We Hispanics owe Haitians our support, not just because they helped us in our times of need, but because it’s the right thing to do.
Trump Bullies DeSantis into Letting Felons Vote in Florida
Former President and Presently Convicted Felon Donald Trump, shoved a branch into an underground burrow occupied by Governor Ron DeSantis.
Brightline CEO: Pay Up or Something Unfortunate Might Happen to Your Car
Quit your whining, quit your complaining, and just be glad I don’t send the nearest train to ram right through your front door! You got me!?
The Many Meanings of Miami’s “Bro”
So long as you find yourself within the confines of Miami-Dade County and are a sentient human, anyone can and will address you as “bro.”
MiamiGPT is the New AI Chatbot Just for South Florida
The newest, most advanced AI just went public in the form of MiamiGPT, a chatbot designed exclusively for Miamians.
Francis Suarez Endorses Donald Trump for Prison Cellmate
Asked to opine on Suarez’s endorsement, Trump responded with, “What do I care what that Mexican says? Why haven't we deported him yet?"
Joe Carollo Dodges House Auction by Claiming to Reside in Hearts of All Anti-Comunistas
Carollo postponed a judgement to auction his house by declaring his actual place of residence was deep within the bosom of all anticomunistas.
Florida Man Rejects $320 Million Because Money is Green
“The funds are a liberal conspiracy to gayify the state!” cried Purdue, apparently unaware of Florida's infamous resemblance to a dong.
How to Save Miami from Climate Change Part 2: Build Climate Community
Miami must save itself from climate disaster. It’ll be hard as hell, but I’m game if you are. What do we have to lose other than everything?
How to Save Miami from Climate Change Part 1: Build a Living Fortress
Miami must transform into a green citadel by building onion-like natural fortifications to protect itself from ever stronger hurricanes.
Who is Latino?
The harder I attempt to grapple with commonalities that define all Latinos, the more elusive they become.
Tech Bros Worried Jeff Bezos Will Gentrify Them Out of Miami
Exuberant techno-utopianism was replaced by dourness when word spread that the world’s third richest gentrifier was moving to Miami.
The Miami Creation Myth was Nominated for Two Awards!
We were nominated for the International Latino Book Awards' Best Fantasy Novel and received an Honorable Mention for Best First Book.
“All Are Welcome!” Says Sign at Miami Mixer Devoid of Native Miamians
I wound through Northeasterners and Californians discussing AI, summer homes, and wild little hand pies they discovered called “empanadas.”
Ron DeSantis Bans Florida Schools from Teaching the Alphabet
Some worry that banning the alphabet would fill Florida with illiterate, ignorant, omni-hating imbeciles, but that boat has long since sailed.
The Many Meanings of Dale
Alright recent arrivals, I know what you’re thinking. Who the hell is this Dale guy and why is everyone in Miami obsessed with him?
God Burns Miami After Accidentally Setting Celestial Oven to 450
Peeking into the Celestial Convection Oven, God realized He set Miami’s temperature far too high, turning it into a charbroiled mess.
Miami’s Traffic God Wonders Where All the Crazies Went
Yoandri, Miami’s universally detested god of traffic, looked down upon South Florida from his home high on Mount Tropical Park, and sighed dejectedly.
An Open Letter to Coronavirus from Miami
Welcome to Miami. And by “welcome,” I mean “please put a Clorox-soaked bullet in your head and bury yourself in the Everglades,” but we’re all about social tact in South Florida.
Miami Driver Would Rather Kill His Entire Family Than Let You into His Lane
He has a wife named Gloria, a three-year-old daughter named Estefani, they’re both in the car, and not a single one of them gives a flying fuck about you.
Royal Caribbean Declares Corona Its Official Beer
“I’m so excited to announce our latest collaboration I know you’ll absolutely love!” his voice rose excitedly. “A melding of two fun, tropical brands! Buh, buh, buh,” he waved away several raised hands. “I’m only taking questions at the end. You’re gonna want to hear this.”
Miamian Claims to Love Winter Weather Because She Sets Her AC to 70
She wore jeans, riding boots, two cardigans, and a beanie. It was 75 degrees.
The Many Meanings of Coño
Today we will explore the Swiss army knife of Spanish obscenity, the T-1000 of casual expletives, the most flexible, versatile swear word in the Spanish lexicon: “coño.”
Miami Marathon Runners are Just Running from a Flying Cockroach
Tens of thousands of screaming Miamians poured out of Downtown skyscrapers in the predawn hours and sprinted toward MacArthur Causeway upon hearing that a flying cockroach was spotted around Bayfront Park.
Tourists Enrage Miamians by Obeying Traffic Laws
Miamians fumed over Super Bowl tourists’ unfathomable tendency to obey posted traffic laws. Drivers came to complete halts at stop signs, decelerated in school zones, and most infuriatingly, drove below the speed limit.
A Beginner’s Guide to Miami’s Dialect
A translation of the most common Miami phrases into English.