¡Dímelo!

This article is therefore directed at those 317 million other individuals in the U.S. who are not members of the Cuban-American community, but might curious to learn about us.

You just moved to Miami. Hooray! What should you expect? Much of that depends on your ethnic background. Let’s delve into your possible experiences.

“The last thing I want is for my kingdom to turn into the next Miami,” said King Xenophon, his pensive, deep blue eyes matching the roiling ocean outside the palace walls.

“What on Earth is going on?” exclaimed newlywed Tiffany Dormer as she watched Tony Mendoza pop and lock like a fiend on her wedding reception dance floor. “Isn’t this guy White?”

Forget Lincoln Road, Bayside Marketplace, and Wynwood, and experience Miami like a true local!

“If you insist on speaking Mexican, could you at least keep it down?” asked the gentleman. “My family and I are trying to have a pleasant afternoon, and you are most certainly ruining it.”

Despite our introduction by a mutual friend over a year ago, Green adamantly proclaims that she is quite unacquainted with anyone born in Miami-Dade County.

Did Samuel Adams pay the Stamp Tax? Hell no! Don’t you dare yield a right turn to a pedestrian, you goddamn patriot.

A (by no means exhaustive) list of things I believe strangers who do not have “confianza” with a particular Cuban-American should not mention unless they wish to come off as paradigmatic douchebags.

The University of Miami Miller School of Medicine today published the findings of a longitudinal study that found Brickell residents are 112% more likely to be assholes than control group Miamians.