¡Dímelo!

Miamians fumed over Super Bowl tourists’ unfathomable tendency to obey posted traffic laws. Drivers came to complete halts at stop signs, decelerated in school zones, and most infuriatingly, drove below the speed limit.

A translation of the most common Miami phrases into English.

Bossou desperately tried to warm himself by a fireplace in a nearby ski lodge. He was wet, shivering violently, and very upset.

Alberto Rodriguez (aged 82), grandfather to Susan and Emilio Rodriguez (aged 17 and 22, respectively), confirmed to his progeny this past Thursday that he’d be just as racist next year as during the previous 12 months.

The consensus among the revelers was that the city needed this communal conflagration to stave off its unseasonably cold weather. It was 64 degrees.

Eugenia Batista (aged 52) gave a thumbs up from his hospital bed after undergoing a 15-hour round-the-clock surgery to remove a potato that had been lodged in his lower mandible since infancy.

Upon stumbling on the wall and noticing its vast artistic worth, Cantabria pulled $200,000 in cash from his wallet and demanded that someone in authority take his money.

The multimedia piece is composed of soil, rock, and air, as it is a two-foot-deep hole the artist dug in his backyard.

Upon inquiring whether the performance piece would be extended beyond Art Basel, Ms. Bravo laughed in my face.

“DEATH! DEEEEEEEATH!” howled Bogen, waving his armored hands in the air. “THE DEVOURER OF SOULS FEASTS TODAY! THERE IS NO ESCAAAAAAAPE!”

Rather than joining in Black Friday’s manic shopping free-for-all, participants will enact the traditional Latino customs of talking over each other and not meeting their ancestors’ expectations.

Paramedics reported that she repeatedly mumbled, “It’s boot weather… It’s boot weather…” as she was wheeled into an ambulance.