¡Dímelo!
Only in Miami Stories from The Miami Creation Myth
The Miami Creation Myth Sells Out
Even when injured, dehydrated, moments from heat stroke, one wish kept me from collapsing into the mud forever: selling shirts to papi chulos.
ICE Deports Marco Rubio
“I’m the Secretary of State!” yelled a short, tubby man with a Miami accent. He shook his bars as the dozen other people in his cell grinned.
Every Bro You’ll Meet in a Miami Club
A comprehensive guide of the many types of Miami bros one is liable to encounter in da clurb.
The Joy of Selling My 1,000th Book
Two years ago, when I self-published a silly little book titled The Miami Creation Myth, I set the goal of selling 1,000 copies.
Cubans’ Shift to MAGA is Rooted in Trauma & Anger
Many elements contributed to Cuban Americans’ recent rightward shift but I want to focus on two particularly salient factors: trauma and anger.
Take the Miami Gentrification Tour!
Let’s embark on a tour of some of Miami’s most gentrified neighborhoods that’ll serve as your next post’s perfect prop.
I Really Don’t Want to Be a Climate Refugee
I and many of my fellow Miamians could be left unmoored—culturally adrift, unable to find purchase in our long-lost motherland or newfound home.
What It Means to Write Miami Satire in Trump’s Miami
How do I proceed as a satirist and champion of Miami when well more than half the county fundamentally and sometimes violently disagrees with me?
Why I Clean Miami’s Mangroves
I do my work because of its intrinsic pain, anger, frustration, and cathartic release. I do it for the mangroves, but I also do it for myself.
How to Spot a Communist in Miami
How can one differentiate between communists and patriots in Miami? Luckily, there are several tell-tale signs.
How to Play Cuban Dominoes
Cuban dominoes is a vehicle para hablar mierda, a psychological battle whose objective is to invade, occupy, and destroy your rivals’ minds.
Hispanics Must Support Our Haitian Neighbors
We Hispanics owe Haitians our support, not just because they helped us in our times of need, but because it’s the right thing to do.
Trump Bullies DeSantis into Letting Felons Vote in Florida
Former President and Presently Convicted Felon Donald Trump, shoved a branch into an underground burrow occupied by Governor Ron DeSantis.
Brightline CEO: Pay Up or Something Unfortunate Might Happen to Your Car
Quit your whining, quit your complaining, and just be glad I don’t send the nearest train to ram right through your front door! You got me!?
The Many Meanings of Miami’s “Bro”
So long as you find yourself within the confines of Miami-Dade County and are a sentient human, anyone can and will address you as “bro.”
MiamiGPT is the New AI Chatbot Just for South Florida
The newest, most advanced AI just went public in the form of MiamiGPT, a chatbot designed exclusively for Miamians.
Francis Suarez Endorses Donald Trump for Prison Cellmate
Asked to opine on Suarez’s endorsement, Trump responded with, “What do I care what that Mexican says? Why haven't we deported him yet?"
Joe Carollo Dodges House Auction by Claiming to Reside in Hearts of All Anti-Comunistas
Carollo postponed a judgement to auction his house by declaring his actual place of residence was deep within the bosom of all anticomunistas.
Florida Man Rejects $320 Million Because Money is Green
“The funds are a liberal conspiracy to gayify the state!” cried Purdue, apparently unaware of Florida's infamous resemblance to a dong.
How to Save Miami from Climate Change Part 2: Build Climate Community
Miami must save itself from climate disaster. It’ll be hard as hell, but I’m game if you are. What do we have to lose other than everything?
How to Save Miami from Climate Change Part 1: Build a Living Fortress
Miami must transform into a green citadel by building onion-like natural fortifications to protect itself from ever stronger hurricanes.
Who is Latino?
The harder I attempt to grapple with commonalities that define all Latinos, the more elusive they become.
Tech Bros Worried Jeff Bezos Will Gentrify Them Out of Miami
Exuberant techno-utopianism was replaced by dourness when word spread that the world’s third richest gentrifier was moving to Miami.
The Miami Creation Myth was Nominated for Two Awards!
We were nominated for the International Latino Book Awards' Best Fantasy Novel and received an Honorable Mention for Best First Book.
“All Are Welcome!” Says Sign at Miami Mixer Devoid of Native Miamians
I wound through Northeasterners and Californians discussing AI, summer homes, and wild little hand pies they discovered called “empanadas.”
Ron DeSantis Bans Florida Schools from Teaching the Alphabet
Some worry that banning the alphabet would fill Florida with illiterate, ignorant, omni-hating imbeciles, but that boat has long since sailed.
The Many Meanings of Dale
Alright recent arrivals, I know what you’re thinking. Who the hell is this Dale guy and why is everyone in Miami obsessed with him?
God Burns Miami After Accidentally Setting Celestial Oven to 450
Peeking into the Celestial Convection Oven, God realized He set Miami’s temperature far too high, turning it into a charbroiled mess.
Florida Schools Forced to Teach that Cubans Benefited from Communism
The State Legislature passed a bill mandating that Florida schools teach that communism was a net positive for Cubans.
Miami Mayor Francis Suarez Accidentally Doesn’t Take a Bribe
“I… I don’t get it,” muttered Silveira incredulously. “It’s like... he didn’t even want my bribe…”
I Have a Business Admin Degree from Barry and Here’s Why Wearing a Mask is Stupid
Everyone who dies from COVID is old, and brown, and socialist, and there’s no way MY parents get it because they’re CUBAN and vote REPUBLICAN.
Miami-Dade County Completes Invisible Metrorail to Miami Beach
The Transparent Line will connect to Metrorail’s Ethereal Line, which runs from Brickell to FIU, and the Intangible Line uniting Downtown Miami with Fort Lauderdale.
Miami Heat Responsible for Citywide Pot and Pan Shortage
When asked why he was banging two cast iron skillets over his head, Eusebio Jamil, a 25-year-old Cuban émigré responded with, “Porque uno no hace suficiente ruido ¡coño!” before bounding into the crowd.
Being Anti-Communist Doesn’t Mean You’re Pro-Democracy
Anti-communism only communicates one’s aversion to a largely discredited economic system. That’s it. It is wholly decoupled from righteousness, national loyalty, or support for democracy.
A Letter to the Republican Party from a Moderate Cuban American Voter
As a moderate, I want the party to implode under the weight of its own self-interested idiocy for the very selfish reason that I would like to vote for it in the future.
Scientists Crack the Miami Exaggeration Scale
A multidisciplinary team of linguists, sociologists, mathematicians, and computer scientists announced they finally deciphered Miamians’ pathological penchant for hyperbole.
How Would My Cuban Family Fare if They Arrived in Trump’s America?
Lately, I’ve been immersed in a thought experiment. What if the Cuban Revolution played out during Trump’s tenure in office? How would my family be treated?
A Love Letter to Miami
You implicitly understand my bilingual upbringing and cultural idiosyncrasies. Other cities looked askance at my enthusiastic gesticulation and multilingual expletive-laden interjections.
Where Do White Latinos Belong in America?
I like to joke that I’m a Daywalker. For those who missed Wesley Snipes’ Oscar-worthy work in Blade, the term applies to vampires who can saunter about in sunlight without immediate incineration. The moniker fits because, as a White Latino, I move seamlessly through two worlds without negative repercussions.