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Forget what all these supposed “experts,” and “medical professionals,” and “doctors,” and “nurses” are spouting about COVID, because my B- in high school biology and 2.9 GPA from Barry University more than supersede their “diplomas” and “decades in their fields” because I read the TRUTH in WhatsApp and Facebook headlines about how COVID is way overblown, and is basically just the flu, and only 3% of people who get it actually die, which means we should hurry up and all catch COVID so we get herd immunity because 3% of the 328 million people in the U.S. is 9.8 million—(covers ears) LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! (uncovers ears)—it doesn’t even matter because everyone who dies from COVID is old, and brown, and socialist, and there’s no way MY parents get it because they’re CUBAN and vote REPUBLICAN, and anyway, a ton of people died in WWII and in Vietnam and stuff, so we should be willing to make sacrifices even though this isn’t wartime, but COVID only killed 217,000 people in this country, which probably isn’t even true, but if it is, the Democrats want as many people to die as possible because they hate Trump and will do anything to get him out of office, but either way, 217,000 is way less than the 600,000 people AM radio told me died in the Civil War, and though we’re not trying to abolish slavery or preserve the integrity of the Union, I REALLY want to get mine on Tinder because why did I rent my sweet-ass pad at the Icon if I can’t even get laid in it and, come on, what is this, like, 2011 when I was too scared walk up to girls at clubs, which, by the way, should all be opened and packed to capacity because I can finally afford to drop some serious bones on bottles, and anyway, my Libertarian cousin said we live in a federalist society where the national government can’t impose health and safety regulations except, you know, for stuff like seat belts, and the minimum drinking age, and smoking bans, and not using asbestos as an insulator, but COVID is different because wearing a mask makes my nose itchy, and anyway, the government should stay out of our lives because it never gave my family anything except automatic residency and all sorts of humanitarian programs when they arrived from Cuba, but just like my family, I worked my ass off for everything I ever received like the BMW 1 Series Papi bought me when I graduated from Columbus, the 3 Series I got after college, and the promotion he gave me last month.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

‘Miami Creation Myth’ author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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