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A virulent COVID vector arrived in Miami this morning to yell at people in enclosed spaces. The vaguely man-shaped repository of several billion deadly microbes loudly exclaimed its disdain for mitigating the risk of mass contagion, thereby aerosolizing millions of viruses into its immediate surroundings.

Thousands of potential carriers packed themselves as closely to the vector as possible, the better to expose their bodily orifices to it and each other. The preponderantly white viral receptacles passed the time by gleefully exchanging bodily fluids. They also reassured themselves that only brown, old, or liberal vectors ever suffered deleterious effects from the disease.

Upon entering a densely-packed indoor space full of its supporters, the COVID vector mirrored their enthusiasm by spewing a cloud of pathogens in their direction. It declared that if it could defeat the illness after receiving round-the-clock care and experimental treatments from a dedicated team of top doctors, then the rest of the country could do likewise. Though the vector’s staff, confidants, and immediately family were all infected in the most secure location on the planet, none of the potential carriers seemed particularly worried about their grossly uncalculated risk.

The COVID vector rounded a meandering, spittle-filled diatribe by haranguing everyone who would rather not share a room with it. It then jumped into a motorcade and boarded a plane, resolute in its intent of spreading the virus to every corner of the country it ran.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

‘Miami Creation Myth’ author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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