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David Browning, a lifelong resident of Syracuse, NY, comprehended every facet of Miami’s history, socio-economic stratification, race relations, cultural nuances, and zoning code after wandering two hours down Lincoln Road. This was his first time in South Florida.

“I mean, it’s not that hard,” insisted Browning, a middle-aged man replete in khaki cargo shorts, Hawaiian shirt, New Balance sneakers, and Panama hat. “Miami’s not Buffalo or anything.”

Browning discerned the source of tensions between Venezuelan migrant waves while perusing tank tops at H&M; delved into the influence of Jamaican Patois on Norland parlance in the Finnegan’s Road restroom; and analyzed Uncle Luke’s Supreme Court First Amendment arguments as he stared vacantly at a Swatch display.

“This is the kind of city you just get with a quick look around,” claimed Browning, his strawberry Häagen-Dazs ice cream cone melting down his knuckles. “It’s honestly pretty shallow.”

Browning has been offered tenured professorships and history chairs at the University of Miami, Florida International, and Miami-Dade College, but claims to be assessing his interest in entering academia.

“His depth and breadth of knowledge are unmatched,” said UM President Julio Frenk when questioned about the bidding war between Miami’s institutes of higher learning. “I’d literally step down tomorrow and hand him my presidency if that’s what it took to get him.”

The previous record holder for completely comprehending everything about Miami was Margaret Schwartz of Provincetown, MA. She gained her expertise during a three-hour cruise excursion to Bayside Market Place.

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‘Miami Creation Myth’ author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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