The Miami Creation Myth

How to Play Cuban Dominoes

Cuban dominoes is a vehicle para hablar mierda, a psychological battle whose objective is to invade, occupy, and destroy your rivals’ minds.

Hispanics Must Support Our Haitian Neighbors

We Hispanics owe Haitians our support, not just because they helped us in our times of need, but because it’s the right thing to do.

Trump Bullies DeSantis into Letting Felons Vote in Florida

Former President and Presently Convicted Felon Donald Trump, shoved a branch into an underground burrow occupied by Governor Ron DeSantis.

Brightline CEO: Pay Up or Something Unfortunate Might Happen to Your Car

Quit your whining, quit your complaining, and just be glad I don’t send the nearest train to ram right through your front door! You got me!?

The Many Meanings of Miami’s “Bro”

So long as you find yourself within the confines of Miami-Dade County and are a sentient human, anyone can and will address you as “bro.”

MiamiGPT is the New AI Chatbot Just for South Florida

The newest, most advanced AI just went public in the form of MiamiGPT, a chatbot designed exclusively for Miamians.

Francis Suarez Endorses Donald Trump for Prison Cellmate

Asked to opine on Suarez’s endorsement, Trump responded with, “What do I care what that Mexican says? Why haven’t we deported him yet?”

Joe Carollo Dodges House Auction by Claiming to Reside in Hearts of All Anti-Comunistas

Carollo postponed a judgement to auction his house by declaring his actual place of residence was deep within the bosom of all anticomunistas.

Florida Man Rejects $320 Million Because Money is Green

“The funds are a liberal conspiracy to gayify the state!” cried Purdue, apparently unaware of Florida’s infamous resemblance to a dong.

How to Save Miami from Climate Change Part 2: Build Climate Community

Miami must save itself from climate disaster. It’ll be hard as hell, but I’m game if you are. What do we have to lose other than everything?

Gov. Ron DeSantis Opens Florida’s Nuclear Waste Sites to Partygoers

“I’m one with the universe!” yelled DeSantis, arms and face to the sky as a truly banging remix of Endor’s “Sexiest Man in Jamaica” rocked the crowd.

Not Everything You Dislike Is Communist

This piece is directed to those who believe demands for racial justice, equal pay, climate action, LQBTQ rights, voting access, government accountability, immigration reform, and addressing other systemic societal ills are inherently communist.

COVID Vector Visits Miami

A virulent COVID vector arrived in Miami this morning to yell at people in enclosed spaces.

I Have a Business Admin Degree from Barry and Here’s Why Wearing a Mask is Stupid

Everyone who dies from COVID is old, and brown, and socialist, and there’s no way MY parents get it because they’re CUBAN and vote REPUBLICAN.

Miami-Dade County Completes Invisible Metrorail to Miami Beach

The Transparent Line will connect to Metrorail’s Ethereal Line, which runs from Brickell to FIU, and the Intangible Line uniting Downtown Miami with Fort Lauderdale.

Miami Heat Responsible for Citywide Pot and Pan Shortage

When asked why he was banging two cast iron skillets over his head, Eusebio Jamil, a 25-year-old Cuban émigré responded with, “Porque uno no hace suficiente ruido ¡coño!” before bounding into the crowd.

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Now Available

Read the Award-Winning, Culturo-Cosmic Adventure

Just as the ancient Greeks, Egyptians, and Norse had their gods, villains, and heroes, Miami now has a legendary saga based on the hyperbolic surrealism that is living in South Florida. You will be introduced to a wholly unique universe with its own, often absurd, deities and norms—much like the city from which it’s inspired, and journey from the beginning of the universe, when Pachango the Creator first awoke on his divine pin pan pun, to when the cubanos and their fellow Latinics quite literally tumbled out of the waves and onto Miami’s shores. Along the way, you’ll learn answers to deep existential questions, such as: Where do croquetas come from? Who is the god of chisme? And why is everyone late to everything?

Order Today Chapter 1 FREE

“A Seussian, unfiltered take on the fabled origins of the cultural contradiction that is Miami. Pepito meets Paul Bunyan. Hilariously poignant but biting critique of the frustration of living in present day Miami and why things are why they are.”

Louis Aguirre

Emmy-Winning Journalist and Environmentalist

“Every great city deserves a great foundational myth. Miami wants to be a great city but this collection of stories leaves nothing to be desired. It’s hilarious, raunchy, and uplifting.”

Mario Ariza

Author of Disposable City

“This book is for you if you can see Miami as what we are and what we can be, and if yours is a seriously silly sense of humor. Andrew Otazo loves and knows Miami—wackiness to wisdom. He writes very well.”

David Lawrence Jr.

Retired Publisher of the Miami Herald and Chair of The Children’s Movement of Florida

“[A] cultural icon.”

Brickell Magazine

“It takes readers on a bilingual, psychedelic, eco-conscious odyssey.”

Alexander Gonzalez

NPR

“Out of this world... The Miami Creation Myth is filled with laughs and vivid visuals.”

Lance Dixon

The New Tropic

“While Otazo celebrates Miami with humor, he also takes on more serious issues facing our community.”

David Winker

The Islander

“Really fun! You have to check it out!”

Amanda Plasencia

NBC

“[Otazo] captured what it means to live in Miami... Genius. Whimsical, out there, and hilarious.”

Pero… Let Me Tell You Podcast

“Otazo looks to explore [Miami]... with warmth and heart while not shying away from the community’s darker side.”

Kelly Josephsen

The Islander

“¿Tú quieres ser un autor? Eso es una estupidez.”

Óscar Otazo

Andrew Otazo’s abuelo

“Fill up on pump number five.”

Andrew Otazo

Writer of this book

“Your card is over-drafted.”

Gas station attendant

“Fuck.”

Andrew Otazo

Writer of this book

“Did you really have to write the sun and moon story?”

Cruz Hernández Otazo

Andrew Otazo’s mother

“A Seussian, unfiltered take on the fabled origins of the cultural contradiction that is Miami. Pepito meets Paul Bunyan. Hilariously poignant but biting critique of the frustration of living in present day Miami and why things are why they are.”

Louis Aguirre

Emmy Award-Winning Journalist and Environmentalist

“Every great city deserves a great foundational myth. Miami wants to be a great city but this collection of stories leaves nothing to be desired. It’s hilarious, raunchy, and uplifting.”

Mario Ariza

Author of Disposable City

“This book is for you if you can see Miami as what we are and what we can be, and if yours is a seriously silly sense of humor. Andrew Otazo loves and knows Miami—wackiness to wisdom. He writes very well.”

David Lawrence Jr.

Retired Publisher of the Miami Herald and Chair of The Children’s Movement of Florida

“It takes readers on a bilingual, psychedelic, eco-conscious odyssey.”

Alexander Gonzalez

NPR

“Out of this world… The Miami Creation Myth is filled with laughs and vivid visuals.”

Lance Dixon

The New Tropic

“While Otazo celebrates Miami with humor, he also takes on more serious issues facing our community.”

David Winker

The Islander

New Poster Drop

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“A Seussian, unfiltered take on the fabled origins of the cultural contradiction that is Miami. Pepito meets Paul Bunyan. Hilariously poignant but biting critique of the frustration of living in present day Miami and why things are why they are.”

“Every great city deserves a great foundational myth. Miami wants to be a great city but this collection of stories leaves nothing to be desired. It’s hilarious, raunchy, and uplifting.”

Mario Ariza

“This book is for you if you can see Miami as what we are and what we can be, and if yours is a seriously silly sense of humor. Andrew Otazo loves and knows Miami—wackiness to wisdom. He writes very well.”

David Lawrence Jr.

“[A] cultural icon.”

“It takes readers on a bilingual, psychedelic, eco-conscious odyssey.”

Alexander Gonzalez

“Out of this world... The Miami Creation Myth is filled with laughs and vivid visuals.”

Lance Dixon

“While Otazo celebrates Miami with humor, he also takes on more serious issues facing our community.”

David Winker

“Really fun! You have to check it out!”

Amanda Plasencia

“[Otazo] captured what it means to live in Miami... Genius. Whimsical, out there, and hilarious.”

“Otazo looks to explore [Miami]... with warmth and heart while not shying away from the community’s darker side.”

Kelly Josephsen

“¿Tú quieres ser un autor? Eso es una estupidez.”

Óscar Otazo

“Fill up on pump number five.”

Andrew Otazo

“Your card is over-drafted.”

Gas station attendant

“Fuck.”

Andrew Otazo

“Did you really have to write the sun and moon story?”

Cruz Hernández Otazo

New Poster Drop

Miami According to Miamians Map

Miami According to Recent Transplants Map

¡Ñoooooooo que Audiobook!

¡Gracias! You'll be hearing from us soon.