Heart-pounding high-speed drag races, inadvertently murderous abuelas, helicopter crashes, baseball bat melees, multi-lingual road rage, exploding scooters, truck nuts, zombies, chupacabra, scantily clad chongas, terrified tourists, pastelitos—all within the first five minutes of the newest installment of the Fast & Furious franchise: “Supposably Faster, Literally Furiouser, Irregargdlessly SunPass, Bro.”
“This series is a massive blockbuster cinematic event,” explained Amanda Lourdes, a Miami native and Universal Studios’ Vice President of Content. “I was driving the eastbound Dolphin after reading the latest script of our upcoming tenth movie. It included a nonstop barrage of absurd, adrenaline-fueled vehicular carnage. That’s when I thought to myself, ‘Wait a minute. Didn’t I see that on this very highway last Thursday?’ That was right before an armored truck traveling 80 miles an hour in the wrong direction dispersed a pack of motorcycles onto a dirt ramp that launched them straight over the toll plaza and onto a barge on the Miami River filled with Peruvian cocaine.”
“They had a hell of a party,” she added.
“It’s perfect!” cried Michael Bay, the movie’s director, arms outstretched as a fuel truck crashed headlong into an M1A1 tank, sending a massive fireball skyward. “Holy shit!” he exclaimed, after the shockwave roared over us. “I didn’t even plan that!”
Bay stated that he only placed three stationary cameras for the entirety of the movie: one on the 1-95 interchange, another at the 826, and the last at the Turnpike.
“It was absolute madness!” he continued. “A posse of Dominican strippers got into a bareknuckle brawl with live black bear ON TOP of a police van! I can’t wait to quick-cut that scene into oblivion!”
Other studios are also noticing the gonzo insanity found on Miami’s streets, as Warner Bro’s recently announced it began filming “Mad Max: Bird Road” on the intersection of SW 40th Street and US-1.
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Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
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