The U.S. Surgeon General warned consumers that excessive consumption of Cuban coffee can have diverse deleterious and anomalous effects on their health. These include, but are not limited to:
- Excessive energy
- Difficulty falling asleep
- Uncontrollable shaking
- X-ray vision
- Incomprehensively fast speech
- “Cafecito shits”
- Burnt tongues
- 1,000% increase in guapería
- Flashbacks to past lives
- Instant memorizations of Pitbull’s discography
Miamians are advised to restrict their consumption of Cuban coffee to less than one liter per day. Non-Miamians are categorically warned against any contact with cafecito, as exposure to the liquid could result in spontaneous combustion.
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