Miami’s caffeine cowgirls, the vaunted ventanita ladies, generously decided to share their occult cafecito secrets with The Miami Creation Myth. The following is a detailed, step-by-step description for how to make the perfect Cuban coffee, according to their instructions.
- Ground espresso coffee (La Llave, Pilón, Bustelo, etc.)
- Refined white sugar
- Cafetera (stovetop espresso maker)
- Far too much methamphetamine
- Three cups
- Four line of cocaine
- Metal spoon
- Teaspoon of blood
- Teaspoon of enemies’ tears
- 3 ounces of holy water
- Hand mirror
- Horcrux containing a shard of Fidel Castro’s soul
Step 1: Preparation
- Unscrew the top of the cafetera and remove the funnel. Gently pack the ground espresso into the funnel using the spoon.
- Fill the bottom of the cafetera with water.
- Mix the blood and tears with one ounce of holy water. This will summon el Coco.
- Ask el Coco to reassemble the cafetera.
Step 2: Percolation
- Add the remaining two ounces of holy water to Castro’s horcrux. This should instantly destroy the cursed curio and produce a bright blue flame. Place the cafetera over the fire.
- Cut two lines of cocaine on the mirror. Ignore Castro’s agonized visage in the reflection. Snort one line of coke and offer the other to el Coco. That fucker will love it. High five each other.
- Pour two teaspoons of sugar and an egregious amount of meth into a cup. Fill another with milk. Warm the milk next to the horcrux fire.
- Simultaneously recite the Hail Mary and Our Father while el Coco sings Guantanamera. The rosary should levitate and rotate slowly around your head. If it does not, direct el Coco to accompany its song with acoustic guitar. No levitation, no espumita.
- Remove the cafetera from the flame once the first few drops of coffee enter the upper chamber. Pour the drops onto the sugar and whisk vigorously until it turns into a dark brown paste. Ask el Coco to return the cafetera to the flame.
- Remove the cafetera from the fire once it begins garbling Castro’s “History Will Absolve Me” speech.
Step 3: Dale-ation
- Do another line of coke with el Coco. Make plans to visit Cancun.
- Pour the coffee onto the sugar paste and stir until a frothy layer of espumita (i.e. foam) forms at the top. You should hear angels harmonizing at this point.
- Add as much milk into the coffee as you desire.
- Split the cafecito into the remaining cup and hand it to el Coco.
- Toast to “¡Pa’rriba, pa’bajo, Castro pa’l carajo!”
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