A Beginner’s Guide to Miami’s Dialect
A translation of the most common Miami phrases into English.
Miamian Horrified to Learn Snow is Just Really Cold Water
Bossou desperately tried to warm himself by a fireplace in a nearby ski lodge. He was wet, shivering violently, and very upset.
Racist Abuelo’s New Year’s Resolution is to Be as Racist as Last Year
Alberto Rodriguez (aged 82), grandfather to Susan and Emilio Rodriguez (aged 17 and 22, respectively), confirmed to his progeny this past Thursday that he’d be just as racist next year as during the previous 12 months.
Miamians Burn Down Marlins Stadium to “Keep Warm”
The consensus among the revelers was that the city needed this communal conflagration to stave off its unseasonably cold weather. It was 64 degrees.
Cuban Undergoes Surgery to Remove Papa en la Boca
Eugenia Batista (aged 52) gave a thumbs up from his hospital bed after undergoing a 15-hour round-the-clock surgery to remove a potato that had been lodged in his lower mandible since infancy.
Blank Wynwood Wall Accidentally Sells for $2 Million at Art Basel
Upon stumbling on the wall and noticing its vast artistic worth, Cantabria pulled $200,000 in cash from his wallet and demanded that someone in authority take his money.
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“A Seussian, unfiltered take on the fabled origins of the cultural contradiction that is Miami. Pepito meets Paul Bunyan. Hilariously poignant but biting critique of the frustration of living in present day Miami and why things are why they are.”
“Every great city deserves a great foundational myth. Miami wants to be a great city but this collection of stories leaves nothing to be desired. It’s hilarious, raunchy, and uplifting.”
“This book is for you if you can see Miami as what we are and what we can be, and if yours is a seriously silly sense of humor. Andrew Otazo loves and knows Miami—wackiness to wisdom. He writes very well.”
“It takes readers on a bilingual, psychedelic, eco-conscious odyssey.”
“Out of this world… The Miami Creation Myth is filled with laughs and vivid visuals.”
“While Otazo celebrates Miami with humor, he also takes on more serious issues facing our community.”
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