Miami driving

By Peter Mir and Andrew Otazo

The Aventura Lawnmower—Do whatever stupid thing you need to do to make your supped-up Civic sound like lawn equipment. Make sure it also backfires every 20 seconds so everyone knows how cool you are, especially since you already installed that dope-ass spoiler wing that makes your Honda look like a shopping cart.

The Brake Check—Slam your brakes immediately after accelerating because you’ve been crawling down the Palmetto for 40 minutes and took your eyes off the road to check your Insta.

The Tech Bro Bro-Down—Put on your best suit, rent a scooter, and ride it against traffic looking like an absolute BALLER. The world is your playground.

The Undercut—Cut off a car while still behind them and revel in your entitlement.

The Hazard Light Prayer—Turn on your hazard lights if your car is disabled, if you’re an Uber, if you want a car to pass you, if it rains too hard, if you’ve had a bad day, if you’re just waiting five seconds to pick up your friend from this thing, I swear it’s just five seconds.

The Park in the Wrong Direction—When you finally find a parking spot but it’s on the other side of the street, so fuck it, you’re not gonna lose it by going around the block.

La Sagüesera Steamer—When you’re stuck on the 836 and desperately need to poop but only barbarians would take the Lejeune exit and relieve themselves at the Fairfield Inn & Suites by Marriott. Fuck no. You’re clenching ‘til you make it back to Westchester.

The Homestead Hoedown—Picture the biggest effin’ F-250 you can imagine. Good. Now kit it out until it looks like a M1 Abrams tank. Perfect. Lease that fucker and tailgate the living piss out of any cuck not man enough to pour all his insecurities into a glorified Tonka truck.

The Back to the Future—Missed your highway exit? No worries! Put your car in reverse and barrel into oncoming traffic because you don’t have time to get off on NW 74th. Just make sure to hit 88 mph or the flux capacitor won’t kick in.

The “No Creo en Nadie,” AKA The Window Staredown—Ride up to the POS who cut you off just to see their stupid fucking face.

The Race to the Red Light—Rev your VTec and burn out for 40 feet of daylight before hitting the next red light. Turbo hiss.

The Tamiami 2-Step—Left turn from right lane.

The Ducati Dirty Dancing—Buy a motorcycle. Ignore absolutely every traffic law while flying crotch-first through the world at 160 mph.

La Viejita Shuffle—Fuck these youngsters with their skateboards and their TickyTockies. You voted for Nixon, goddammit! And you’re sure as shit not driving any faster than 15 mph on the Rickenbacker.

The 5-0 Fister—Become a cop. Blare your lights at every intersection. Turn them off upon speeding through that red light and almost causing a 20-car pileup in your wake.

The Neck Breaker—Slam on your breaks and ogle every passing pedestrian women who really wishes she could get to work without meeting her daily quota of sexual harassment before 9 AM. Throw in a catcall. That’ll really make her day. You’re a real man!

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.


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