Miami Whole Foods

“I’ll kill you for that Fiji water!” yelled Leslie Albeck, a 44-year-old housewife swinging a battle axe at a rival shopper. Her opponent, 32-year-old Alfred Urrechaga, blocked the blow with a shield and counterattacked with his broadsword.

“Drink Fiji in hell!” he roared back.

The Downtown Miami Whole Foods was a scene of anarchic carnage as customers in full plate armor wielded swords, pole arms, and maces in a frenzied melee free-for-all. Previously clean-cut professionals in tailored business suits hacked at each other over vegan sugar cookies. Balenciaga-sporting yogis thrust and parried across the pizza station. Blood and viscera coated Nature’s Path cereal boxes. Death rattles pierced the lemon-scented air.

Richard Alonso, a local attorney, reached for the last box of dark chocolate Kind Bars when his arm was sliced clean off by Rachel Suleiman. She sheathed her sword, shoved past the screaming lawyer, cradled her prize, and ran for the exit. Suleiman made it to the dairy isle before an iron bolt pierced her breastplate. She fell dead, the box tumbling on the linoleum floor.

“Gotcha,” smirked Danny Gonzalez, lowering an arbalest from his shoulder.

Gonzalez strode toward the bars just as Fernando Humphrey turned the corner, a bloody claymore great sword resting against his shoulder.

The warriors paused, glaring. The Kind Bars lay exactly halfway between them.

With a cry, they charged. Gonzalez frantically reloaded the arbalest while Humphrey lifted the sword over his head. Gonzalez slid onto his back firing a blot into Humphrey’s face, but the swordsman’s forward momentum brought the claymore onto Gonzalez’s helmet, splitting his skull open.

The Kind Bars slid into the chips aisle

Riding a barded war horse, Christian Sanchez grabbed them at a gallop, but immediately took a Dane axe to the sternum from Stacy Brandeis. His lit cigar flew out of his mouth and landed in a wheatgrass display, sparking a fire. Acrid smoke soon billowed across the overpriced battlefield.

Brandeis seized the bars, and was lanced through the heart by Lacy Kirkpatrick. She gleefully watched the life fade from her impaled enemy, only snatching the box from when the last light left her eyes.

Kirkpatrick lunged out of the way as a spiked metal ball whizzed past her cheek.

“Those bars are mine!” bellowed David German, wielding a morning star.

“Fuck you! I’m gluten free!” she replied, jabbing her spear at the interloper. Kirkpatrick released the box to fend off German’s attacks.

Seeing his chance, Harvey Muskrat dropped his war flail, grabbed the box, and sprinted out the grocery store. Dodging stabs and slashes, he tumbled down the Downtown Miami Whole Foods entrance stairs and into the street. Rising to his feet, he held the battered Kind Bars aloft and loosed a triumphant cry.

“They’re mine!” cheered Muskrat. “They’re mine! They’re…”

He was hit by a bus.

The box fell into a street drain and floated out to Biscayne Bay.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.


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