By: Andrew Otazo

Joe Raedle/Getty Images

Miami-Dade County Mayor Carlos Jimenez convened a press conference with other prominent municipal and county leaders to announce that they would spend an additional $2.1 billion of taxpayer money on something that has literally not worked once. Not even a little bit. Nowhere. Never.

“Yes, yes,” said Mayor Jimenez in response to audience grumbling. “I know what you’re thinking. We’ve already spent $3 billion on this thing and it hasn’t fixed the problem we promised it would. But look, just like our plan to lower rents through highway renovations or prepare for climate change by constructing stadiums, we know that, with just a little more money for this thing that’s absolutely never worked, we’ll finally get it to work.”

“Why don’t you try an innovative approach that absolutely everyone in South Florida has been demanding for decades?” inquired Laura Benitez of The Miami Herald.

“Oh we are being extremely innovative!” insisted Mayor Jimenez. “Before we only had one of these things that didn’t work. This time we’re building two more!”

Questioned by Brian Echenique of the New Tropic whether this allocation was just another poison pill boondoggle meant to enrich well-connected contractors, Jimenez replied, “Well here’s the thing about poison. Often, a little bit can kill you. But if you take several really big doses all at once, then you come out stronger than ever!”

Mayor Jimenez was hospitalized later that day with arsenic poisoning.

He had his stomach pumped and is expected to make a full recovery. Asked if he would do it again, he responded, “What do you think?” before swallowing a handful of batteries.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.


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