Elizabeth Juanes, a 70-year-old Publix employee and grandmother of six launched herself from an elevated platform and just barely grabbed a rope 20 feet above a shallow pool. She held on for dear life, muscles straining as she swung to another rope ten feet away. Hundreds of onlookers cheered when she transitioned to the next rope, and then a fourth, before dropping onto a second platform.
Sweat beading on her forehead, Juanes caught her breath, readjusted her mask, and waved to the crowd. Just one obstacle remained: a 15-foot-high curved wall, at the top of which stood a registered nurse holding a syringe filled with the COVID vaccine.
“You can do it, Elizabeth!” shouted the nurse.
Juanes sprinted toward the wall and planted one, then the other foot on its surface. She reached, strained, willed herself toward the lip—but missed by a good five feet.
The crowd groaned as she slid down the wall.
She tried again, and again, and again, each time with a worse result. The audience murmured uncomfortably and then fell silent as Juanes succumbed to exhaustion. Skidding down the wall a final time, she lay on the floor in a fetal position until two stage hands led her off the course.
“I just want to see my family!” cried Juanes between sobs. “Please just give me the vaccine!”
“Now that is some Grade-A entertainment!” exclaimed Florida Governor Ron DeSantis from the announcer’s box.
“Indeed it is!” agreed Carlos Migoya, Jackson Health’s CEO, who sat next to the governor. “Couldn’t possibly think of a better method to distribute these vaccines!”
“Juanes put on a hell of a show but just couldn’t seal the deal,” said DeSantis.
“Right you are!” stated Migoya, “But she can always try tomorrow!”
Behind them, an 85-year-old man from Westchester reached for a monkey bar, slipped, and fell face-first into the pool.
“Say Carlos, how many vaccines have you distributed today?” asked DeSantis.
“Not a single one!” replied Migoya.
“Super-duper!”
“Except for the 3,000 we helicoptered into Fisher Island this morning!” continued Migoya.
“I’m glad they got to the people who need it most!” cried DeSantis.
He turned to the camera.
“Well folks that’s it for Miami COVID Warrior. Tune in tomorrow when we’ll replace the water in the pools with lava!”
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Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.
