hurricane miami terrible

The Institute of Assholery Awareness (IAA) today designated Hurricane Dorian a full-blown Category 5 douche.

“Dorian is causing widespread emotional, psychological, and physical devastation across its path,” explained Cynthia Almeida, IAA’s Executive Director. “It has no idea where it’s going or who’s life it’ll ruin, but it definitely wants to wreck your long weekend, i.e. a total douche.”

“It’s almost as bad as my ex, Hurricane Joshua,” added Almeida with a grin. “Boom!” she exclaimed, punching the air.

Hurricane Dorian’s erratic trajectory and complete disregard for others’ well-being place the storm squarely in the upper echelons of the International Douchebag Scale. See below for the official classifications:

Emotional Storm

Leaves texts on read except when asking for “pics.” Accidentally calls you “Amanda.”

Category 1

Purposefully calls you “Amanda.” Insists you split the check for a croissant only he ate.

Category 2

Looks you up and down on a first date before shrugging and declaring, “Eh, could be worse.”

Category 3

Thinks Mackelmore is the world’s greatest rapper.

Category 4

Calls your mother during a drunken bender, mistakenly thinking she’s his roommate. Complains about your bitchy attitude.

Category 5

Pulls your hip flexor trying some contortionist sex move he saw on Pornhub. Insists you drive yourself to urgent care.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

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