florida female orgasm ban
Florida’s phallic Capitol Building.

Republican members of Florida’s Senate and House of Representatives voted unanimously to legally ban all women in the state from experiencing any form sexual climax. The bill will now make its way to Governor Ron DeSantis’ desk, who is expected to sign it into law.

“Female orgasms are repulsive, unethical, and mythical,” claimed Representative Stan McClain, who also recently introduced a bill to ban discussions of menstruation in Florida schools. “I have 11 children and can personally guarantee that not an iota of female pleasure was needed to produce a single one.”

Hard right pundit Ben Shapiro earlier teleconferenced into a Senate subcommittee hearing to act as an expert witness in favor of the bill.

“My wife, who is a family doctor, swears that no woman in the history of the world actually needed an orgasm,” claimed Shapiro. “Instead, they could and should dedicate that energy to preparing beef wellington, raising alt-right children, and spending upward of eight hours a day at the gym with their 23-year-old Dominican trainer, Guillermo—just like my Mrs. Shapiro.”

He scoffed when asked if men should also be expected to refrain from the Big O.

“That’s the dumbest question I’ve ever heard,” he sneered. “Everyone knows it’s perfectly healthy and natural for men to wank it 12 times a day to AOC’s shoes… I mean feet!… I mean ankles!… I mean…ummm… Sports Illustrated?”

Governor Ron DeSantis assembled 24 male legislators to witness him sign the bill.

“I can tell you from experience that my wife Casey only cares about keeping it as tight as possible.”

Everyone but DeSantis chuckled.

“No, I’m serious,” insisted DeSantis without cracking a smile. “The world’s greatest locksmith couldn’t get me in. Trust me, we’ve tried. Well, I mean, I’ve tried. She mostly plays Wordle.”

A full minute of awkward silence passed before the governor signed the bill.

As one of Florida’s most famous residents, Former President Donald Trump was asked to comment on the bill.

“Look,” he began with several sweaty, sweeping arm motions. “I’ve had more sex than anyone in the world, ever. I mean it. Ask anyone. And I brought every one of those women right to the edge of the greatest orgasm of their lives. But not a single one of them came. Literally any other man in the world would’ve pushed them over, but not the Donald. Wanna know why? It’s because they respect me too much. Silence is a sign of respect.”

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia, meanwhile, enthusiastically supported Florida’s female orgasm ban.

“I’ve never had an orgasm in my life!” she yelled at no one in particular, a vein across her forehead seeming ready to explode at any moment. “And I’ve thrived after channeling all that pent-up frustration into my BOUNDLESS HATRED OF THE GAYS, BLACKS, ILLEGALS, AND THE GODDAMNED LIZARD PEOPLE IN MY BASEMENT!!!!”

Florida women will now have to drive to Virginia to legally experience an orgasm, as Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, South Carolina, and North Carolina all recently passed similar bans.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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