Andrew Otazo Archives - Page 24 of 29

Miami Whole Foods Riot Leaves 14 Dead

“I’ll kill you for that Fiji water!” yelled Leslie Albeck, a 44-year-old housewife swinging a battle axe at a rival shopper. Her opponent, 32-year-old Alfred Urrechaga, blocked the blow with a shield and counterattacked with his broadsword. “Drink Fiji in hell!” he...

Floridians Frantically Stock Up on Hurricane Memes

Residents across the Sunshine State braced for an impending hurricane by filling gas tanks, buying water, and furiously stocking up on Florida hurricane memes. A Home Depot parking lot in Boca Raton was filled to capacity with idling vehicles. Their owners stared...

All Floridians Magically Transform into Meteorologists

Every Florida resident, from the Panhandle to the Keys, awoke this morning to find they had been awarded a Bachelor’s of Science Degree in Meteorology from the University of Unearned Expertise. “Of course I know where the hurricane is making landfall!” declared Elvira...

Writing is Better than Cafecito

Hi everyone! I know you’re used to me writing silly articles about traffic, or racists, or pastelitos, but I figured I’d pull back the curtain, mix my metaphors, and show how the literary sausage is made. In three words: it’s really hard. I’m typing this at 3:50 AM on...

Miami Upgrades Bus Fleet to Mule Carts

Miami-Dade County Transportation & Public Works announced it completed a multi-year, $20 million program to replace the Miami bus fleet with mule-drawn carts. This upgrade is projected to drastically improve the fleet’s infamously dismal punctuality and...

Brickell Condos Market to Rich International Criminals

Are you an oligarch who recently fell out of favor with your ruling strongman? Are the proles protesting your family’s generations of accumulated atrocities? Did you accidentally siphon too much money from a state-owned company? Are you pursued by some pesky...