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The University of Miami Miller School of Medicine today published the findings of a longitudinal study that found Brickell residents are 112% more likely to be assholes than control group Miamians. Over 40,000 Brickellites of all generational cohorts were tracked over 82 years.

The report’s topline conclusions include that Brickell residents are:

  • 92% more likely to ask for kale salads at Cuban restaurants.
  • 81% more likely to dislike “how ethnic” Wynwood has become.
  • 89% more likely to define neighborhoods west of Miami Ave as “the slums.”
  • 201% more likely to claim not to know any “actual Miamians.”
  • 44% more likely to drive electric scooters in traffic.
  • 77% more likely to believe that Miami is “very walkable.”
  • 362% more likely not to know the locations of Doral, Opa Locka, or Aventura.

“The findings are irrefutable,” said Dr. Eliza Rothman, the director of the study. “If you live in Brickell, you’re almost certainly an asshole.”

Asked if Brickell attracted more assholes than other Miami communities or if it transformed existing residents, Dr. Rothman replied, “They’re not mutually exclusive.”

“Both push and pull factors come into play,” she continued. “If you’re already an asshole, chances are you’ll want to live in Brickell. But the neighborhood also serves as an asshole ecosystem whose sum is greater than its constituent parts. All components of a robust, self-reinforcing super-cluster are present: cocaine-fueled yuppies, designer stores, overpriced cocktails, concierge service, $30 parking, and a dearth of self-awareness. Frequent contact with any of these elements might turn someone into a dick, but uninhibited exposure to all converts even decent people into bona fide douchebags at a logarithmically accelerated rate.”

Not all hope is lost, however. Dr. Rothman runs a small pilot program designed to detoxify Brickellites of their assholery. “We basically drop them in Hialeah for a year,” she explained. “That’s enough for them to get over their shit.”

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

‘Miami Creation Myth’ author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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