¡Dímelo!
Only in Miami Stories from The Miami Creation Myth
Florida Rising Chapter 23
Just one of Carlos’ two guest rooms was larger than Cynthia’s entire apartment. The bathroom was larger than her bedroom.
Florida Rising Chapter 22
Carlos shook his head. This was far too much for a Saturday afternoon. It was about to get far worse.
Florida Rising Chapter 21
"The train is about to approach a turn," said bluebunny. "That’s when you’re going to jump out.”
Florida Rising Chapter 20
Instead of public bullet trains, Floridians purchases outrageously expensive tickets to travel the country’s killing-est locomotive from South to Central Florida.
Florida Rising Chapter 19
Looking around the stage, Cynthia was certain she was the only one who hadn’t had any work done.
Florida Rising Chapter 18
Shrieking tires echoed up and down the hall while a corner DJ booth pumped Danish electro-funk into the cavernous space.
Florida Rising Chapter 17
Good morning, partisan populists, patriarchs, and pussy pounders, and welcome to the Panhandle Patriot Podcast!
Florida Rising Chapter 16
Cynthia awoke to 238 missed emails, 186 missed calls, and 502 missed text messages.
Florida Rising Chapter 15
Governor Santos had lined up the entire, eight-man Thing squad shoulder to shoulder against the back wall of her office.
Florida Rising Chapter 14
Monica Castellanos lived in a van parked in an Atlanta campground.
Florida Rising Chapter 13
Cynthia spent 20 minutes convincing a pair of police officers that, no, she wasn’t the victim of an attempted murder.
Florida Rising Chapter 12
400 miles back south, a woman in a Midtown Miami apartment gave a celebratory yell so loud that three different neighbors called the cops.
Florida Rising Chapter 11
The following morning, Cynthia found a new folder on her desktop.
Florida Rising Chapter 10
A woman shifted on the crinkly paper pulled across the examination couch, a perturbed look on her face, staring at the “Beware of Eye Syphilis” poster.
Florida Rising Chapter 9
Carlos sidestepped to the left, so Cynthia sidestepped to the left. He shifted back to the right and she mirrored his move. She gave him a nervous smile.
Florida Rising Chapter 8
By the time Carlos powerwalked offstage, head down, ramrod in his pants swaying left and right with each step, the crowd was in a near-mutinous clamor.
Florida Rising Chapter 7
By the time Carlos powerwalked offstage, head down, ramrod in his pants swaying left and right with each step, the crowd was in a near-mutinous clamor.
Florida Rising Chapter 6
Daniel Cypress was having a rough morning.
Florida Rising Chapter 5
Florida Governor Rhonda Santos sat in her mahogany paneled office behind a monolithic block of wood consciously modeled off the presidential Resolute Desk.
Florida Rising Chapter 4
Florida Governor Rhonda Santos sat in her mahogany paneled office behind a monolithic block of wood consciously modeled off the presidential Resolute Desk.
Florida Rising Chapter 3
The ground cantankerously growled, then it groused, then it grumbled, and then, after several hours of geologic griping, it finally shook for 30 seconds.
Florida Rising Chapter 2
Despite innumerable Brooklynites’ assertions that Miami’s recorded history began in 2022 when it acquired a cybertronic bull statue used to shill crypto scams, Seabreeze Ridge’s story—like the rest of South Florida’s—dated back thousands of years.
The End of The Miami Creation Myth
After 38,485 pounds of trash, three years as an entrepreneur, and eight years working on The Miami Creation Myth, I’m freaking tired!
Miami Denies Asylum to New Yorkers Fleeing Socialism
Many were rounded up and placed in the Four Seasons, where they endured appalling conditions such as spring mattresses and a self-serve continental breakfast.
Navy Blows Up Miami Influencer Boat Carrying Three Grams of Cocaine
The USS Lyndon B. Johnson launched a Tomahawk cruise missile that sank a 45-foot yacht anchored just off Downtown Miami.
MDC Donates Entire Campus for Trump Library
Given Trump’s infamous aversion to reading, all the volumes in the library’s 15-acre campus will be coloring books or 1980s Playboy foldouts.
Trump Announces Cafecito Causes Impotence
The sheer unbridled cognitive dissonance made a dozen men around a Miami ventanita collapse into frothing comas.
The Cure for Male Loneliness is Having Women Friends
Men need more meaningful social connections, and we can’t achieve that if we write off half the world’s population.
Things Are Not OK
Charlie Kirk was a hate monger who profited from peddling bigotry to millions. But I didn’t want to open a link that documented his murder.
Florida to Replace Alligator Alcatraz with Anaconda Azkaban
ICE is now accepting any bigot able to fog a mirror, shred a copy of the Constitution, and sign a loyalty oath to their Dear Leader.
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 1: R-Day
“You’re not starving to death,” explained the 22-year-old medic gripping my ankle. “You’re just starving.”
Cuban Americans Heroically Fight for Kidnapped Mom by Doing Nothing
When a Cuban immigrant was kidnapped and separated from her nursing child, her community rose in righteous anger to do absolutely nothing.
The Difficulty of Satirizing MAGA
When they go low, we satirists must wantonly slam our heads into the ground until we tunnel to the other side of the planet.
Why I Removed 30,000 Pounds of Trash from the Mangroves
I made it, everyone! The Dirty Thirty. The Double Quinceañera. 30,000 pounds of trash.
The Miami Creation Myth Sells Out
Even when injured, dehydrated, moments from heat stroke, one wish kept me from collapsing into the mud forever: selling shirts to papi chulos.
ICE Deports Marco Rubio
“I’m the Secretary of State!” yelled a short, tubby man with a Miami accent. He shook his bars as the dozen other people in his cell grinned.
Every Bro You’ll Meet in a Miami Club
A comprehensive guide of the many types of Miami bros one is liable to encounter in da clurb.
The Joy of Selling My 1,000th Book
Two years ago, when I self-published a silly little book titled The Miami Creation Myth, I set the goal of selling 1,000 copies.
Cubans’ Shift to MAGA is Rooted in Trauma & Anger
Many elements contributed to Cuban Americans’ recent rightward shift but I want to focus on two particularly salient factors: trauma and anger.








