Andrew Otazo Archives - Page 5 of 28

City of Miami Converts Its Hurricane Relief Fund into Dogecoin

City of Miami Mayor Francis Suarez floated to a podium set before the previous location of a chrome and brass statue of a bull that had long since been stripped of all metal parts by Miamians struggling to pay their rents. All that now remained of the charging bovine...

Ron DeSantis Demands Role in High School Musical to End Disney Feud

“I just need to SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!” exclaimed Florida Governor Ron DeSantis on the steps of the state legislature, arms to the sky and caution to the winds. The reporters assembled for the press release winced and grimaced as DeSantis held his last off-key note...

Florida Lawmakers Ban Lady Orgasms

Florida’s phallic Capitol Building. Republican members of Florida’s Senate and House of Representatives voted unanimously to legally ban all women in the state from experiencing any form sexual climax. The bill will now make its way to Governor Ron DeSantis’...

The Creation of the Miami Creation Myth

Oh, boy. It’s been a ride. The Miami Creation Myth’s genesis can be traced to 2016, a full seven years before the book’s publication, several thousand feet above the Earth’s surface, and probably somewhere over Oklahoma. My friend thought it’d be a great idea to...

Latino Guests Won’t Fucking Leave Holiday Party

Danielle Schubert crumpled onto her living room sofa, grasped her head in both hands, and screamed. 45 Venezuelans, Cubans, Colombians, Mexicans, and sundry other Latinos standing in her living room turned to see what the commotion was about, shrugged, and went back...

Real Men Vote for Feminists

Originally published in El Nuevo Herald and The New Tropic I love participating in “masculine” activities. It’s just how I’m wired. Removing 22,000 pounds of trash from Miami’s mangroves required lifting a whole lot of weight over my head. I also carried 35 pounds of...