Miami Stories Archives - Page 11 of 29

Ben Shapiro: Climate Change Poses No Threat to Miami Because the Ocean Doesn’t Get that Wet

Ben Shapiro, the homophobic, climate-change-denying, Great Female Desiccator, met with City of Miami Mayor and sentient tech word cloud with eyebrows, Francis Suarez, for a Cafecito Talk this week. “Thank you so much for joining us on this Cafecito Talk…” began...

Miami Welcomes Thousands of Tech Workers to Gentrification Conference

Exclamations of, “This real estate is so undervalued!” and, “What’s up with all the brown people?” and, “Where’s the nearest Michelin Star restaurant?” reverberated off Wynwood’s world famous murals as approximately 11 thousand tech workers from across the bro-iness...

Miami Tech Bros’ Guide to Not Being Douchebags

Yes, I made this map, and yes, I changed to title to make it more accurate. You’re a recently-arrived tech worker/venture capitalist/angel investor/entrepreneur driven to Miami’s shores by the promise of perennial sunshine, palm trees, and Cafecito Talks. You might...

City of Miami Launches ComemierdaCoin

Seeking to profit off the cryptocurrency coke-fueled fervor just as Bitcoin, Doge, and Ethereum prices continue to crater, the City of Miami today issued its own blockchain bullshit and christened it ComemierdaCoin. This hot new cryptocurrency immediately quadrupled...

Miamians Stockpile Cafecito After Versailles Hack, Chaos Ensues

Acrid plumes of smoke belched from Miami’s burning skyline, obscuring a merciless midday sun. The Magic City warped into a diabolical funhouse reflection of its sunny marketing campaign as Mad Max shootouts raced through cratered avenues, mass human sacrifices took...

Miami Appoints Chief Comemierdería Officer

Miami-Dade County Mayor Daniella Levine Cava announced she had appointed Estelle Puig, a 72-year-old abuela of 12, as the region’s first Chief Comemierdería Officer. Beyond tackling Miami’s skyrocketing comemierdería epidemic, Puig will also be responsible for tamping...