¡Dímelo!
Only in Miami Stories from The Miami Creation Myth
Florida Rising Chapter 5
Florida Governor Rhonda Santos sat in her mahogany paneled office behind a monolithic block of wood consciously modeled off the presidential Resolute Desk.
Florida Rising Chapter 4
Florida Governor Rhonda Santos sat in her mahogany paneled office behind a monolithic block of wood consciously modeled off the presidential Resolute Desk.
Florida Rising Chapter 3
The ground cantankerously growled, then it groused, then it grumbled, and then, after several hours of geologic griping, it finally shook for 30 seconds.
Florida Rising Chapter 2
Despite innumerable Brooklynites’ assertions that Miami’s recorded history began in 2022 when it acquired a cybertronic bull statue used to shill crypto scams, Seabreeze Ridge’s story—like the rest of South Florida’s—dated back thousands of years.
The End of The Miami Creation Myth
After 38,485 pounds of trash, three years as an entrepreneur, and eight years working on The Miami Creation Myth, I’m freaking tired!
Miami Denies Asylum to New Yorkers Fleeing Socialism
Many were rounded up and placed in the Four Seasons, where they endured appalling conditions such as spring mattresses and a self-serve continental breakfast.
Navy Blows Up Miami Influencer Boat Carrying Three Grams of Cocaine
The USS Lyndon B. Johnson launched a Tomahawk cruise missile that sank a 45-foot yacht anchored just off Downtown Miami.
MDC Donates Entire Campus for Trump Library
Given Trump’s infamous aversion to reading, all the volumes in the library’s 15-acre campus will be coloring books or 1980s Playboy foldouts.
Trump Announces Cafecito Causes Impotence
The sheer unbridled cognitive dissonance made a dozen men around a Miami ventanita collapse into frothing comas.
The Cure for Male Loneliness is Having Women Friends
Men need more meaningful social connections, and we can’t achieve that if we write off half the world’s population.
Things Are Not OK
Charlie Kirk was a hate monger who profited from peddling bigotry to millions. But I didn’t want to open a link that documented his murder.
Florida to Replace Alligator Alcatraz with Anaconda Azkaban
ICE is now accepting any bigot able to fog a mirror, shred a copy of the Constitution, and sign a loyalty oath to their Dear Leader.
ICE Now Hiring All Qualified Racists
ICE is now accepting any bigot able to fog a mirror, shred a copy of the Constitution, and sign a loyalty oath to their Dear Leader.
Miami Spends $840 Million on Thing No One Wants
Miamians declared they would gladly take the $840 million as direct payments to help with the city’s crushing affordability crisis.
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 5: Reorgy Week
My parents were shocked when they saw me remerge from the barracks. I was pallid, rail-thin, and wobbly.
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 4: The Field
The Army takes everything you loved as a child and makes it awful. That's how it turns hiking into its dirty, brutish cousin: rucking.
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 3: Food & Sleep
And we’ve come to starvation. Healthy, athletic male college freshmen in industrialized countries tend not to weigh 113 pounds.
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 2: Hazing & Marching
Forget whatever bullshit frat boy version of hazing you have in your head. West Point hazing circa 2005 was a creature completely apart.
How I Didn’t Starve to Death at West Point, Part 1: R-Day
“You’re not starving to death,” explained the 22-year-old medic gripping my ankle. “You’re just starving.”
Cuban Americans Heroically Fight for Kidnapped Mom by Doing Nothing
When a Cuban immigrant was kidnapped and separated from her nursing child, her community rose in righteous anger to do absolutely nothing.
The Difficulty of Satirizing MAGA
When they go low, we satirists must wantonly slam our heads into the ground until we tunnel to the other side of the planet.
Why I Removed 30,000 Pounds of Trash from the Mangroves
I made it, everyone! The Dirty Thirty. The Double Quinceañera. 30,000 pounds of trash.
The Miami Creation Myth Sells Out
Even when injured, dehydrated, moments from heat stroke, one wish kept me from collapsing into the mud forever: selling shirts to papi chulos.
ICE Deports Marco Rubio
“I’m the Secretary of State!” yelled a short, tubby man with a Miami accent. He shook his bars as the dozen other people in his cell grinned.
Every Bro You’ll Meet in a Miami Club
A comprehensive guide of the many types of Miami bros one is liable to encounter in da clurb.
The Joy of Selling My 1,000th Book
Two years ago, when I self-published a silly little book titled The Miami Creation Myth, I set the goal of selling 1,000 copies.
Cubans’ Shift to MAGA is Rooted in Trauma & Anger
Many elements contributed to Cuban Americans’ recent rightward shift but I want to focus on two particularly salient factors: trauma and anger.
Take the Miami Gentrification Tour!
Let’s embark on a tour of some of Miami’s most gentrified neighborhoods that’ll serve as your next post’s perfect prop.
I Really Don’t Want to Be a Climate Refugee
I and many of my fellow Miamians could be left unmoored—culturally adrift, unable to find purchase in our long-lost motherland or newfound home.
What It Means to Write Miami Satire in Trump’s Miami
How do I proceed as a satirist and champion of Miami when well more than half the county fundamentally and sometimes violently disagrees with me?
Tourists Enrage Miamians by Obeying Traffic Laws
Miamians fumed over Super Bowl tourists’ unfathomable tendency to obey posted traffic laws. Drivers came to complete halts at stop signs, decelerated in school zones, and most infuriatingly, drove below the speed limit.
A Beginner’s Guide to Miami’s Dialect
A translation of the most common Miami phrases into English.
Miamian Horrified to Learn Snow is Just Really Cold Water
Bossou desperately tried to warm himself by a fireplace in a nearby ski lodge. He was wet, shivering violently, and very upset.
Racist Abuelo’s New Year’s Resolution is to Be as Racist as Last Year
Alberto Rodriguez (aged 82), grandfather to Susan and Emilio Rodriguez (aged 17 and 22, respectively), confirmed to his progeny this past Thursday that he’d be just as racist next year as during the previous 12 months.
Miamians Burn Down Marlins Stadium to “Keep Warm”
The consensus among the revelers was that the city needed this communal conflagration to stave off its unseasonably cold weather. It was 64 degrees.
Cuban Undergoes Surgery to Remove Papa en la Boca
Eugenia Batista (aged 52) gave a thumbs up from his hospital bed after undergoing a 15-hour round-the-clock surgery to remove a potato that had been lodged in his lower mandible since infancy.
Blank Wynwood Wall Accidentally Sells for $2 Million at Art Basel
Upon stumbling on the wall and noticing its vast artistic worth, Cantabria pulled $200,000 in cash from his wallet and demanded that someone in authority take his money.
Hole in the Ground Sells for $5 Million at Art Basel
The multimedia piece is composed of soil, rock, and air, as it is a two-foot-deep hole the artist dug in his backyard.
Miami Will Run Buses On Time as Art Basel Performance Piece
Upon inquiring whether the performance piece would be extended beyond Art Basel, Ms. Bravo laughed in my face.








