They came by air. An endless stream of corporate jets and helicopters landed at Miami Executive Airport, disgorging hordes of bewildered, bedraggled New Yorkers in scuffed Louis Vuittons and rumpled Paul Smiths.
They came by sea. Super and mega yachts crowded the Port of Miami, an impromptu armada that braved Atlantic storms and treacherous tides, desperate to reach safe harbor.
They came by land. Limousines, Rolls Royces, and Waymos clogged I-95, slowing it to a crawl in a scene eerily reminiscent of World War II refugees attempting to remain ahead of rampaging autocratic armies.
Countless fled. Many didn’t make it—waylaid at Nantucket’s Food and Wine Festival or Washington D.C.’s Kennedy Centers Honors—but those who did survive the harrowing journey to Miami found a universally hostile welcome.
“Go back to where you came from!” shouted an enraged Carolina Martinez, just one in a mob banging pots and pans and brandishing signs that read “No Dogs or New Yorkers Allowed!” blocking access to the Executive Airport. Similar scenes played out at all other points of entry into Miami-Dade County, where locals refused admittance to Empire Staters fleeing their homeland’s complete economic and social collapse following Zohran Mamdani’s election as mayor.
“They’re not bringing their best,” explained Jose Ramirez who had assembled at the Port of Miami with thousands of likeminded South Floridians. “These aren’t big-bootied Dominican bodega owners, or shawarma vendors, or pansexual Bronx artists, or Italian American handymen coming to Miami. Oh no! They’re crypto investors, hedge fund managers, and Big Law partners.”
“And they don’t even bother speaking the languages!” added another man standing next to Ramirez. “You know, Spanish, Creole, Portuguese, and French! Send them back to the Hamptons, or Greenwich, or Scarsdale, or whatever shit hole cities they came from!”
“I barely got out with my Rolex collection and trust fund,” said Aaron Brewer, a 59-year-old management consultant from Manhattan who had been stuck on his yacht for three days. He cradled his head between immaculately manicured hands and shot a wide-eyed stare into the middle distance.
“Do you even know what’s going on up there?” he exclaimed without making eye contact. “Free buses! Free child care! Controlled rents! It’s madness, I tell you! Madness!”
Brewer fell into a fetal position on the floor and sobbed uncontrollably.
“It’s very sad what’s happened to this new wave of refugees,” said Sarah Foster, a tech founder and angel investor originally from California who arrived in Miami in 2021. “Immigrants built Miami, you know. Immigrants from Palo Alto, San Francisco, and yes, New York. We turned this city from a mosquito-infested mangrove swamp into a global commercial and cultural powerhouse. I just can’t believe so many Miamians willfully forget their immigrant roots and choose to malign people who just want better lives without state taxes, just like them.”
The few New Yorkers who made it past the cordon of angry Miamians were quickly rounded up by county authorities and placed in the Four Seasons, where they endured appalling conditions such as spring mattresses, low-flow shower heads, and a self-serve continental breakfast.
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