Andrew Otazo | Miami Creation Myth

Miamian Standing in Knee-Deep Seawater Unconvinced Climate Change is Real

Damien Hernandez, a 35-year-old sales rep and native Miamian, shuffled to the side to avoid a jellyfish. “Yeah, you know, I’m just not all that sure climate change isn’t a hoax,” he asserted. A shallow wave rolled over Bayfront Park’s concrete seawall, soaking the...

Miami Deports Thousands of Spring Breakers to America

Several thousand American tourists squinted in the early morning light as they exited Krome Detention Center and boarded busses headed for the Broward County border. This followed a broad crackdown across Miami on Americans who migrated over Spring Break without a...

Florida Crystals Releases Green Algae Across State to Celebrate Saint Patty’s Day

Florida Crystals CEO Alfonso Fanjul stood on Sanibel Island’s Bowman Beach along the Gulf Coast in Bermuda shorts, an emerald shirt reading “Kiss Me I’m Irish,” and a 3M 6000 respirator. “Happy Saint Patty’s everyone!” he yelled at a crowd as they sprinted, stumbled,...

I Have an Engineering Degree from UM and Tech Will Magically Solve All of Miami’s Problems

Yo, have you even seen how many incredible tech companies, venture capitalists, and angel investors are moving to Miami because of its great weather, can-do attitude, and incredible cultural scene from places like California that also had great weather, can-do...

Florida Weather Forecast Calls for a 100% Chance of Iguanafall

Florida Meteorologists announced the state was guaranteed a moderate to heavy iguanafall from the Panhandle down to the Florida Keys.Residents were advised to don their customary iguana helmets and body armor to protect themselves from these reptilian projectiles,...

Florida Launches Trickle Down Vaccination Campaign on Fisher Island

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis shaded his eyes as a Navy helicopter unloaded pallets of COVID vaccines onto Fisher Island, the wealthiest neighborhood in the United States. “That’s it! Keep ‘em coming!” he yelled over the rotor wash. Replete in a bomber jacket and...