Andrew Otazo Archives - Miami Creation Myth

The Next Fast & Furious Movie Will Just Be 2 Hours of Footage of the Dolphin Expressway

Heart-pounding high-speed drag races, inadvertently murderous abuelas, helicopter crashes, baseball bat melees, multi-lingual road rage, exploding scooters, truck nuts, zombies, chupacabra, scantily clad chongas, terrified tourists, pastelitos—all within the first...

Son of Immigrants Living on Native Land Colonized by Spain, Annexed by the U.S., Built by Bahamians, and Developed by Refugees Wants All the Foreigners to Leave

“I’m just tired of watching people who absolutely refuse to integrate into America pour over our borders,” explained a man whose grandparents fled a Caribbean dictatorship and spent 40 years in the United States without learning English. His Brickell apartment faced a...

How to Survive Driving in Miami 101

To all the tech bros, Russian oligarchs, and Latin American kleptocrats who recently moved to the Magic City, thanks for raising our already untenable rents. When you’re not busy laundering money via cryptocurrency, strip clubs, and/or overpriced real estate...

Miami Ranked Most Swimmable City

The U.S. Triathlon Association today named Miami the most swimmable city in the United States on account that its residents are most likely to need to breaststroke from their front doors to their cars on any given day. Surveyed Miamians reacted to this news by giving...

Miami’s Hottest New App Helps Landlords Price Out Their Tenants

“We’re the Uber of gentrification! The TikTok of unaffordability! The Amazon of eviction! The Apple of displacement!” exclaimed Chad Wallinger. Gentri’s 27-year-old Founder and CEO stood sweaty and breathless, arms raised high above his head in exultation at his app’s...

Cuban Americans Should Set Aside Their Differences to Fight for Cuba

As a Cuban American, I am intimately aware that we agree on almost nothing. Politics, culture wars, economics, race relations, the time of day, nada. We are a deafeningly quarrelsome bunch, raucous in the extreme, unwavering in our determination to expire on whatever...