Andrew Otazo Archives - Miami Creation Myth

Why I Removed 10 Tons of Trash from Miami’s Mangroves

Originally published in the Miami Herald 6/27/22 Collecting trash for 13 hours on a mangrove island in Miami’s summer heat is an excellent way to suffer dehydration and heat exhaustion — not to mention get marooned when someone steals your kayak.Stumbling across a...

FIFA Accepts Miami’s World Cup Bribe in Crypto

FIFA, the world’s premiere association for perfidious, balding, European men that also occasionally organizes soccer matches, graciously accepted its customary World Cup bribe from Miami in cryptocurrency. More specifically, it chose payment in MiamiCoin, now valued...

Miami to Replace All Remaining Affordable Housing with Stadiums

City of Miami Mayor Francis Suarez, a 180-pound sapient amalgamation of Moco de Gorila hair gel and Versace Eros Cologne stuffed into a Burberry suit, slurried to a podium before the Alex Hanna Coliseum. The new home of the Flying Cockroaches, the Magic City’s...

Miami’s Affordable Housing Program Involves Shouting Tech Buzzwords at Poor People

A flatbed truck rigged with a dozen 5-foot-tall speakers trundled into Liberty Square at 6 AM. High-pitched feedback startled a flock of birds perched on the surrounding electrical lines and awoke just about everyone in the neighborhood. A man approached a mic in the...

Native Miamians Declared an Endangered Species

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) announced it will officially place native Miamians on its Endangered Species List given their dwindling numbers and uncertain medium-term outlook. “I’m afraid South Florida is likely to lose its entire native Miamian...

Hugo Chavez Themed Restaurant Opens in Doral

“As a white man with no direct connection to the Latino refugee experience whatsoever, I’m the perfect person to establish a restaurant celebrating Hugo Chavez!” exclaimed Sean Meenan. The 55 year-old, fifth-generation New Yorker stood outside Aló Presidente, his new...