Andrew Otazo Archives - Miami Creation Myth

City of Miami Places Its Homeless on a Raft in the Middle of the Atlantic

When City of Miami Commissioner Joe Carollo, a six-foot-tall, vaguely humanoid, grayish mass of bile, spite, and omnidirectional antagonism, sloughed out of the Miami City Commission building next to the Coconut Grove Marina, it wasn’t to conduct his typical morning...

Why Brickell is Miami’s Worst Neighborhood

When Miami sinks into the ocean, I want Brickell to go first. Let’s start with the traffic. Assume every motorist, pedestrian, scooter operator, whatever in that God forsaken neighborhood wants to kill themselves and you, because they do. Desperately. And they will...

Why I Removed 10 Tons of Trash from Miami’s Mangroves

Originally published in the Miami Herald 6/27/22 Collecting trash for 13 hours on a mangrove island in Miami’s summer heat is an excellent way to suffer dehydration and heat exhaustion — not to mention get marooned when someone steals your kayak.Stumbling across a...

FIFA Accepts Miami’s World Cup Bribe in Crypto

FIFA, the world’s premiere association for perfidious, balding, European men that also occasionally organizes soccer matches, graciously accepted its customary World Cup bribe from Miami in cryptocurrency. More specifically, it chose payment in MiamiCoin, now valued...

Miami to Replace All Remaining Affordable Housing with Stadiums

City of Miami Mayor Francis Suarez, a 180-pound sapient amalgamation of Moco de Gorila hair gel and Versace Eros Cologne stuffed into a Burberry suit, slurried to a podium before the Alex Hanna Coliseum. The new home of the Flying Cockroaches, the Magic City’s...

Miami’s Affordable Housing Program Involves Shouting Tech Buzzwords at Poor People

A flatbed truck rigged with a dozen 5-foot-tall speakers trundled into Liberty Square at 6 AM. High-pitched feedback startled a flock of birds perched on the surrounding electrical lines and awoke just about everyone in the neighborhood. A man approached a mic in the...