Andrew Otazo Archives - Miami Creation Myth

I Failed 8th Grade Science and Here’s Why Climate Change Isn’t Real

This image was taken from Mario Ariza’s book, Disposable City. Go read it. OK, yeah, I failed middle school Earth Science, but honestly, I don’t need to know the difference between igneous and metamorphic rocks to be sure climate change isn’t real, though...

Ben Shapiro: Climate Change Poses No Threat to Miami Because the Ocean Doesn’t Get that Wet

Ben Shapiro, the homophobic, climate-change-denying, Great Female Desiccator, met with City of Miami Mayor and sentient tech word cloud with eyebrows, Francis Suarez, for a Cafecito Talk this week. “Thank you so much for joining us on this Cafecito Talk…” began...

Miami Welcomes Thousands of Tech Workers to Gentrification Conference

Exclamations of, “This real estate is so undervalued!” and, “What’s up with all the brown people?” and, “Where’s the nearest Michelin Star restaurant?” reverberated off Wynwood’s world famous murals as approximately 11 thousand tech workers from across the bro-iness...

Miami Tech Bros’ Guide to Not Being Douchebags

Yes, I made this map, and yes, I changed to title to make it more accurate. You’re a recently-arrived tech worker/venture capitalist/angel investor/entrepreneur driven to Miami’s shores by the promise of perennial sunshine, palm trees, and Cafecito Talks. You might...

ComemierdaCoin Makes Overnight Millionaires

Savvy investors are flocking to ComemierdaCoin, the hottest new cryptocurrency on the market, as Bitcoin, Doge, and Ethereum prices continue to crater. ComemierdaCoin quintupled in value to $2,487.44 over the last week, making millionaires out of speculative...

Miamians Stockpile Cafecito After Versailles Hack, Chaos Ensues

Acrid plumes of smoke belched from Miami’s burning skyline, obscuring a merciless midday sun. The Magic City warped into a diabolical funhouse reflection of its sunny marketing campaign as Mad Max shootouts raced through cratered avenues, mass human sacrifices took...