Andrew Otazo | Miami Creation Myth

Miami Appoints Chief Comemierdería Officer

Miami-Dade County Mayor Daniella Levine Cava announced she had appointed Estelle Puig, a 72-year-old abuela of 12, as the region’s first Chief Comemierdería Officer. Beyond tackling Miami’s skyrocketing comemierdería epidemic, Puig will also be responsible for tamping...

Marlins Stadium Secretly Enforced Social Distancing Since 2012

Miami Marlins owner Bruce Sherman stormed up a flight of stairs along LoanDepot Park’s first base line, his face red with exertion and anger. The Marlins were four innings into a game with the Dodgers, though few fans knew it, as the only two in sight sat five rows...

Miamian Standing in Knee-Deep Seawater Unconvinced Climate Change is Real

Damien Hernandez, a 35-year-old sales rep and native Miamian, shuffled to the side to avoid a jellyfish. “Yeah, you know, I’m just not all that sure climate change isn’t a hoax,” he asserted. A shallow wave rolled over Bayfront Park’s concrete seawall, soaking the...

Miami Deports Thousands of Spring Breakers to America

Several thousand American tourists squinted in the early morning light as they exited Krome Detention Center and boarded busses headed for the Broward County border. This followed a broad crackdown across Miami on Americans who migrated over Spring Break without a...

Florida Crystals Releases Green Algae Across State to Celebrate Saint Patty’s Day

Florida Crystals CEO Alfonso Fanjul stood on Sanibel Island’s Bowman Beach along the Gulf Coast in Bermuda shorts, an emerald shirt reading “Kiss Me I’m Irish,” and a 3M 6000 respirator. “Happy Saint Patty’s everyone!” he yelled at a crowd as they sprinted, stumbled,...

I Have an Engineering Degree from UM and Tech Will Magically Solve All of Miami’s Problems

Yo, have you even seen how many incredible tech companies, venture capitalists, and angel investors are moving to Miami because of its great weather, can-do attitude, and incredible cultural scene from places like California that also had great weather, can-do...