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COVID Vector Visits Miami

COVID Vector Visits Miami

A virulent COVID vector arrived in Miami this morning to yell at people in enclosed spaces. The vaguely man-shaped repository of several billion deadly microbes loudly exclaimed its disdain for mitigating the risk of mass contagion, thereby aerosolizing millions of...
Miami-Dade County Completes Invisible Metrorail to Miami Beach

Miami-Dade County Completes Invisible Metrorail to Miami Beach

Miami-Dade County Mayor Carlos Gimenez stood at the intersection of NE 10th Street and 2nd Ave with a pair of oversized scissors,. He beamed at an expectant gaggle of reporters. A light breeze whistled between the condos overhead. Gimenez had much to celebrate. After...
Miami Heat Responsible for Citywide Pot and Pan Shortage

Miami Heat Responsible for Citywide Pot and Pan Shortage

“This is ridiculous!” gesticulated Marta Hernandez, a 47-year-old mother of three, as she stood in a Kendall Walmart, arms up, cursing her fate in the middle of the kitchen aisle. “I tried Lowes, I tried Target, I tried Costco, and I can’t find a piece of cookware in...
Being Anti-Communist Doesn’t Mean You’re Pro-Democracy

Being Anti-Communist Doesn’t Mean You’re Pro-Democracy

Let’s play a game. Scroll through my comments section and take a shot of tequila whenever someone calls me a communist for supporting LGBTQ+ rights, or asking people to be a little less racist, or—and you died of alcohol poisoning. If I mixed my metaphors every time...