In its bid to purge all genetic and ideological hurdles to Donald Trump’s rapidly metastasizing ethno-state, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) revised its hiring practices to accept any bigot able to fog a mirror, shred a paper copy of the Constitution, and sign a personal loyalty oath to their Dear Leader.
“We just really need warm bodies,” explained Kristi Noem, Secretary of Homeland Security. “Stephen Miller’s quotas aren’t going to fill themselves. So, we’re looking for people with enough irrational animus toward anyone unlike them that they’re willing to tackle a mother of three to the ground in her home, ignore her children’s cries of terror, pack her into a concentration camp, and utterly devastate families and communities because some alt-right YouTuber convinced them white people weren’t having enough babies.”
ICE has launched a massive recruiting drive everywhere they’re most likely to find racists.
“We’re not just going to the obvious places: Klan rallies, skinhead conventions, and the like,” said Noem. “We need to meet the most promising racists where they are: UFC fights, 4chan, Twitch gamer comment sections, crypto subreddits, CrossFit gyms, clean living Facebook groups, and anywhere on X.”
Asked about the disproportionate number of white nationalists her recruitment drive has incorporated into the federal workforce, Noem turned pensive.
“This is a problem we take very seriously,” said Noem earnestly. “We value diversity at ICE, so we’re making a big push to also attract Latino, Black, Asian, and Arab racists into our ranks—basically anyone willing to betray their communities in the hopes of being spared as one of the ‘good ones’ when we inevitably come for them next.”
Immigrants, protestors, students, satirists, and anyone else with well-founded fears of being targeted for extrajudicial seizure by ICE are advised that the best tactic for being overlooked by the federal government is to cover themselves head to toe with the Epstein client list.
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