Former President and Presently Convicted Felon Donald Trump, shoved a three-foot-long branch into an underground burrow occupied by a slumbering Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.

“Hey! Hey, you slimy, spineless reptile! Get out here!” cried Trump, prodding DeSantis in the face and jolting him into consciousness.

DeSantis slithered out of his hole, stared blearily up at Trump, and received one more smack across the face for good measure.

“About time!” gesticulated Trump. “I need you to let felons in Florida vote.”

For decades, Florida had barred felons from voting even after they were rehabilitated and became contributing members of society. This accounted for one in five of the state’s Black voters.

In 2018, Floridians passed a ballot initiative by 65% that returned voting rights to former felons, but state Republicans didn’t want to allow voters back on the rolls who they assumed would vote for Democrats. So, led by DeSantis, they placed all sorts of onerous financial and bureaucratic barriers in their way so that nearly one million Floridians remain disenfranchised today.

“What?” asked DeSantis, still wiping sleep from his lidless eyes. “But… the Blacks… They’ll vote.” He yawned loudly. “And no one wants that.”

Trump shot the Florida governor a thoroughly quizzical look.

“Wait, so you haven’t heard the news?” he demanded.

DeSantis coiled himself into a protective ball.

“Well, you see…” he hesitated. “I ate this stray cat a month ago, and it can take us a long time to digest our meals, so I’ve been hibernating in my hole since then and haven’t really been keeping up with the news.”

Trump gave DeSantis one last whack with the branch.

“It doesn’t matter!” retorted Trump. “Just get it done or I’ll turn you into a pair of boots!”

The former president stomped away, leaving the governor in a torpid state of alarm.

Later that day, after returning to the Governor’s Mansion and spitefully biting the ankles of every staffer within lunging distance, DeSantis issued an executive order restoring the constitutional right to vote to all former felons in the state who were chronically overweight, 77 years old, resided in 1100 S. Ocean Drive, Palm Beach, Florida, and had childishly tiny hands.

If you like our stories, buy our book!

Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.