Listen bros, we have a problem. We actually have quite a few, but this one is top of mind because I recently listened to a podcast about it. The episode highlighted an alarming survey which found that 15% of men in the United States do not have any close friends—a five-fold increase since 1990. Just as worrying, 30 years ago, 55% of men reported having six close friends. That figure was down to 27% in 2021.
“Thank God that’s not me!” I thought to myself with a metaphorical forehead wipe. “I have plenty of close friends and a busy social life.” Then I did a quick mental tally.
Of the 16 friends I see regularly (at least once a month), only four are men. Just a few years ago, my social circle was almost exclusively male, composed of what I thought were lifelong friends I’d met in high school and college. Now I might see them once a year, if that. I know most haven’t widened their social circles in the interim, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they now experience greater isolation.
Loneliness takes an enormous personal and societal toll. The resulting depression leads men to take their lives at a rate four times higher than women. On a broader level, loneliness correlates with aggressive tendencies, especially among adolescents. This spectrum of violence spans from more frequent verbal outbursts on one end to mass shootings at the other.
So, yeah bros, we have a problem. We need more meaningful social connections, and the simple fact is we can’t achieve that if we write off half the world’s population, i.e., women. And, for clarity’s sake, I’m talking platonic friendships, not manipulative little turns where you pretend to befriend a woman as a ploy to possibly get in her pants at a later date. I mean actual, honest to God, “I don’t want to bone my friend” friendships.
Wait! Wait! I know what you’re thinking!
Every budding lad learns the time-worn adage by middle school that “boys can’t be friends with girls.” One will fall in love with the other. Girlfriends/boyfriends will get jealous. It’ll all end in tears, so don’t even try it. Maybe they heard it from a father, uncle, older brother, or same-sex friend who heard it from another trusted male authority figure. Either way, the idiom gets set in stone and guides countless boys well into manhood.
This is middle school logic for men stuck in middle school thinking. It presupposes that women’s principal value is sexual, that opposite gender friends simply will not be able to control themselves, that one will crack because all ostensibly platonic friendships inevitably turn romantic for at least for one party. The only safe interactions with women are therefore strictly nonsexual: relatives, elders, children, and maybe friends’ partners (so long as their men are around).
This, gents, is categorically incorrect. My female friendships are some of the most fulfilling relationships in my life. As men, we are taught since birth to be tough, stoic, independent, islands unto ourselves. That makes it incredibly difficult for many of us to open up emotionally with male friends. This was certainly the case with me. We’d joke, and laugh, and play pranks, and have a good time, but the conversation almost never turned to real psychological concerns because we were all emotionally constipated.
With my women friends, however, this is not an issue. I can share these burdens with people who spent lifetimes being emotionally available to each other. They’ve talked me down from daily pressures and existential crises alike. Moreover, they allowed me to do the same for them, strengthening an empathetic muscle I thought had long since atrophied from disuse, and allowing me to become a more emotionally complete person.
On a purely practical level, I’ve found women to be far more likely to go out of their way to assist my professional and creative careers—again, probably an extension of their greater empathy. I’ve had several low points where I went to male friends of 20 years for help only to elicit awkward silences followed by quick turns in the conversation. Simultaneously, women who I’d only known for a few months opened their rolodexes without hesitation, lending me lifelines in times of critical distress.
“But!” I hear you say. “What if I become attracted to my female friend?”
This is a very real possibility. But we must once more return to middle school logic. Do you primarily perceive women as sexual objects, or do you understand that they have deeper inherent value?
Let’s be frank, you’re probably not falling in love with your friend. If it does happen to be a When Harry Met Sally moment, then sure, give it a shot and may you live happily ever after. However, in the far more likely scenario that you are experiencing very human attraction to someone with whom you spend significant time, I ask that you run the following thought experiment before making any moves.
Let’s say you confess your attraction and she reciprocates. Is one night of (let’s be perfectly honest) mediocre sex worth potentially ruining a lifetime of real, deep, human connection with another person, especially if either of you have another romantic partner? It’s not. It really isn’t. So, if you do experience a pang of lust, acknowledge it for what it is, and don’t ruin a meaningful relationship for a fleeting carnal urge.
I’m often asked (usually by other women) how I manage to have so many female friends. This boils down to a sincere appreciation for how they allow me to be a better man. Also—and the following is my ironclad law—I DON’T HIT ON THEM. This bears repeating, boys. FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, DON’T HIT ON YOUR WOMEN FRIENDS! If you follow this one rule and allow yourself to be emotionally available to the wonderful women around you while prioritizing their personhood above their sexuality, I promise you’ll never be lonely.
Dedicated to Virginia (she’s my sister so she has no say in the matter), Loly, Cristina, Mariana, Gab, Angie, Dani, Dani (yes, there are two), Gracie, Sofia, Barby, Dania, MJ, Amanda, Claire, Denim, Ibis, Clara, Asha, Afton, Iram, May, Charity, Bianca, Cheyenne, Ana, Adele, Shley, Lujain, Alex, Mia, Sara, and all the other amazing women in my life.
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