Trump Announces Cafecito Causes Impotence

Trump Announces Cafecito Causes Impotence

President Donald Trump, muscles rippling like coiled snakes beneath an immaculately tailored suit as a divine wind blew his and only his luxuriously natural hair, bound six vertical feet onto the White House briefing room stage to address a nation united in praising...
Things Are Not OK

Things Are Not OK

Our society is not OK. Our country is not OK. We are not OK. It’s been like this at least a decade, if not longer. But this week feels different. It feels like we crossed a Rubicon. We don’t know what’s on the other side, but it’s almost certainly worse than what came...
Florida to Replace Alligator Alcatraz with Anaconda Azkaban

Florida to Replace Alligator Alcatraz with Anaconda Azkaban

Ron DeSantis slithered out the den beneath the Governor’s Mansion where he liked to hibernate while digesting stray pets, wriggled into an ill-fitting navy-blue suit, slid into his office, and pushed his 12-foot-long body up a podium until his unblinking eyes rose...
ICE Now Hiring All Qualified Racists

ICE Now Hiring All Qualified Racists

In its bid to purge all genetic and ideological hurdles to Donald Trump’s rapidly metastasizing ethno-state, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) revised its hiring practices to accept any bigot able to fog a mirror, shred a paper copy of the Constitution,...
Cuban Americans Heroically Fight for Kidnapped Mom by Doing Nothing

Cuban Americans Heroically Fight for Kidnapped Mom by Doing Nothing

When Heidy Sánchez was kidnapped and separated from her one-year-old nursing child during a routine ICE appointment, her own community collectively rose in righteous indignation and anger to do absolutely nothing. Cuban Americans across the country imitated the tens...