So, you’re a recent arrival to Miami and a bit shocked by the incessant talk about the Magic City’s existential communist infestation. Everywhere you turn—the ventanita, the radio, WhatsApp, YouTube, conversations with casual acquaintances— you hear about Marxists scheming in plain sight, waiting to seize the means of production and hand them to the proletariat. Trotskyites behind telephone poles, Pol Pots under potted plants, Brezhnevs in the bushes—the apparatchiks lie in perpetual wait, ever ready to pounce, nationalize your property, and conscript you into their ranks.
Bolsheviks are omnipresent in Miami, and one must take special care not to trip over a strategically placed manifesto and accidentally fall into a Politburo chairmanship. The commies are in the media, the schools, TV, the unions, beneath the bed, in the closet, literally stalking behind you right now. Don’t turn around! They might spot you! Even in the dark, everyone knows communists see in infrared.
All this begs the question: how can one differentiate between communists and patriots in Miami? Luckily for you, there are tell-tale signs that can be boiled down into simple arithmetic equations. Let’s go over them now.
Clothing
| Three buttons unbuttoned on a shirt = | Patriot |
| All buttons unbuttoned on a shirt = | Communist |
| Beret = | Communist |
| Beret + Deus Volt tattoo = | Patriot |
| Vineyard vines shirt = | Patriot |
| MAGA hat + fishing shirt = | Patriot |
| MAGA hat + polo shirt = | Patriot |
| MAGA hat + Che shirt = | Ummmm… probably Patriot? |
| Wife beater = | Patriot |
| Calling a wife beater a “tank top” = | Communist |
Transportation
| Salt Life sticker + pickup truck = | Patriot |
| Salt Life Sticker + compact car = | Communist |
| Cybertruck = | Ultrapatriot |
| Any electric vehicle that isn’t a Tesla = | Communist |
| Public bus = | Communist |
| Party bus = | Patriot |
| Thin blue line bumper sticker = | Patriot |
| Don’t tread on me bumper sticker = | Patriot |
| Tread on me daddy bumper sticker = | Communist |
| I AM MDC bumper sticker = | Probably patriot |
| Miami Heat license plate = | Patriot |
| Truck nuts = | Patriot |
| Truck vagina = | Don’t even know if that’s a thing, but definitely Communist |
| Metrorail = | Communist |
| Uber Share = | Communist |
| Uber XL= | XL Patriot |
| Uber XXL = | XXL Patriot |
Hobbies
| Taking a boat to Nixon Beach = | Patriot |
| Cleaning the shore around Nixon beach = | Communist |
| Pounding beers with the boys = | Patriot |
| Pounding boys with the beers = | Communist |
| Newspaper subscription = | Communist |
| Newsmax subscription = | Patriot |
| Weightlifting = | Patriot |
| Cardio = | Communist |
| Streaming = | Patriot |
| Reading = | Communist |
| Poetry = | Megacommunist |
| Peer-reviewed academic studies = | Communist |
| “Doing your own research” on Reddit = | Patriot |
Appearance
| Waxed chest + repressed homosexuality = | Patriot |
| Waxed chest + out = | Communist |
| Beard + long hair = | Communist |
| Beard + topknot/fade = | Patriot |
| Dreads/ braids/afros/rows = | Communist |
| Moisturizer = | Communist |
| Man lotion = | Patriot, unless that’s code for semen, in which case = Communist |
Housing
| Rooftop solar panels = | Communist |
| Rooftop solar panels + doomsday bunker = | Patriot |
| Affordable housing program = | Communist |
| Mortgage deduction = | Patriot |
| Single family home = | Patriot |
| Dense urban housing = | Communist |
Government Services
| Obamacare + Doral/Hialeah/Westchester = | Patriot |
| Obamacare + Overtown/Little Haiti/Opa Locka = | Communist |
| Social security = | Patriot |
| SNAP benefits = | Communist |
We hope this handy guide clarifies the many warning signs associated with South Florida’s pervasive communist threat. Most importantly, remember that all satirists who allude to even the slightest inconsistencies, hypocrisies, undemocratic tendencies, or bigotry associated with the forthright Patriot masses and their fearless leaders are automatic, irredeemable, and eternal communists.
God Only Bless Patriot America!
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Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
Check out the first free chapter of Andrew’s upcoming book here.
