Pete Hegseth, the United States’ Secretary of WhatsApp Group Spam, today announced that the USS Lyndon B. Johnson, a Zumwalt-class destroyer based in Key West, launched a Tomahawk cruise missile that sank a 45-foot yacht anchored just off Downtown Miami.
“We got ‘em!” exalted the Secretary of Toxic Masculinity, eyes practically popping out of his head as eight times the recommended dose of Adderall coursed through his veins. “We got those damned, filthy, diseased, mongrel, papist illegals trying to smuggle drugs into our country!”
The group of reporters assembled in the Pentagon briefing room included representatives from storied journalistic outlets such as Der Nationalsozialist, Brownshirt Blog, Moms Against Literacy, and the Westboro Baptist Church Newsletter.
“Gahhhh!” yelled the Secretary of Overcompensation, head craned skyward and arms above his head as the hard-right journalists cheered him on. “We fuckin’ got those dirty fuckin’ illegals! Woo! What a fuckin’ high!”
A TikTok livestream showed that the yacht held nine South Florida influencers and three crewmembers at the time of the explosion, all of which were born in the United States. The influencers were in the middle of recording a choreographed dance before the broadcast was cut short by an explosion. No survivors have been found.
A hand shot up in the Pentagon briefing room.
“Yeah, you,” cried the Secretary of Failing Upward to a correspondent from Red Pillers Podcast. “The blonde broad with the massive tits. What do you want and what are you doing later tonight?”
A young woman with waist-length platinum hair and half a pound of fillers stood from her seat.
“What shithole countries did these illegals spawn from and how much drugs were on the boat?”
The Secretary of Embarrassing Pull-Ups’ eyes briefly rolled to the back of his head as he barely skirted an onrushing k-hole.
“Woo! That was a close one!” he laughed. “I don’t fuckin’ know, man. Probably fuckin’ Venezuela, or Mexico, or communist Cuba, or some shit. Who fuckin’ cares? But I do know for a fact that we sank at least 1,000 tons of grade-A Colombian cocaine, fentanyl, meth, and opium.”
Three of the passengers were Colombian American, two were Cuban American, one was African American, and the remainder were from California. All three crewmembers were brothers from Pensacola, Florida. The U.S. Coast Guard only recovered a single 3.5-gram bag of cocaine, commonly known as an 8-ball. According to the TikTok footage, five of the influencers were wearing Make America Great Again caps at the time of the strike.
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