Exclamations of, “This real estate is so undervalued!” and, “What’s up with all the brown people?” and, “Where’s the nearest Michelin Star restaurant?” reverberated off Wynwood’s world famous murals as approximately 11 thousand tech workers from across the bro-iness spectrum descended on Miami for the world’s first ever overtly pro Gentrification Conference.
City of Miami Mayor Francis Suarez gave the opening remarks behind a massive banner that read, “Our City is a Short-Term Investment!”
“Some people say I should focus on the myriad systemic problems plaguing Miami’s residents like climate change, inequality, derelict public transit, corruption, or racial injustice, rather than inviting completely oblivious moneyed interests into the city to further exacerbate those issues,” began Mayor Suarez. “But doing that won’t get me an invitation to ring the NASDAQ bell, so fuck ‘em! Wooooo!!!”
Suarez flung a fist-full of dollar bills in the air and threw up a pair of middle fingers while the crowd roared in approval.
See below for this weekend’s full schedule, as provided by the Gentrification Conference organizers:
FRIDAY
| 8 – 9 AM | Networking |
| 9 – 10 AM | Panel Discussion—Anglos: Miami’s Model Minority |
| 10 – 10:30 AM | Cocaine Break |
| 10:30 – 11:30 AM | Little Haiti vs. Overtown: Which Black People Should We Evict First? |
| 11:30 – 12:30 PM | Lecture—Where’s Your Manager!? Browbeating Service Employees into Speaking English |
| 12:30 – 1:30 PM | Lunch |
| 1:30 – 2:30 PM | Panel—The White Man’s Burden: Bare Minimum Philanthropy |
| 2:30 – 3:30 PM | Lecture—Mansplaining: When Women Just Don’t Get It |
| 3:30 – 4:30 PM | Cocaine Break |
| 4:30 – 5:30 PM | Buzzwords: Disrupting Lean SaaS Distributed AI for a Better 5G Quantum Internet of Behaviors |
| 8:30 – ???? AM | RAGER AT CLUB SPACE BABYYYYYY!!!!!! |
SATURDAY
| 8 – 9 AM | Networking |
| 9 – 10 AM | Panel Discussion—Why Miami Needs 12 New Stadiums and 382 New Whole Foods |
| 10 – 10:30 AM | Cocaine Break |
| 10:30 – 11:30 AM | Allapattah vs. Little Havana: Which Brown People Should We Evict First? |
| 11:30 – 12:30 PM | Lecture—How I Learned Everything There Is to Know About Miami on Lincoln Road |
| 12:30 – 1:30 PM | Lunch |
| 1:30 – 2:30 PM | Panel—Flouting Medium-Term Risk: Climate Change, Shmimate Change |
| 2:30 – 3:30 PM | Lecture—What Do Miamians Think? (Who the Fuck Cares!) |
| 3:30 – 4:30 PM | Cocaine Break |
| 4:30 – 5:30 PM | Buzzwords: Hacking Human-Centered Voice-as-User Distributed Clouds for Hyper-Automated Connectivity |
| 8:30 PM – ???? AM | RAGER AT E11EVEN BABYYYYYY!!!!!! |
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Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
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