Miami-Dade County Mayor Carlos Gimenez stood at the intersection of NE 10th Street and 2nd Ave with a pair of oversized scissors,. He beamed at an expectant gaggle of reporters. A light breeze whistled between the condos overhead. Gimenez had much to celebrate. After years of careful planning and budgeting, his administration finally completed the long-promised Metrorail extension to Miami Beach. Though traffic along the MacArthur Causeway routinely slowed to a crawl, construction crews worked at a frenetic pace to finish their work ahead of schedule and under budget.
“Today marks an absolute gamechanger for Miamians,” exclaimed Gimenez, all gums and alabaster teeth. “Today we unite Downtown and Miami Beach, the county’s two largest economic engines, so that residents will be able to take affordable, reliable transportation from Hialeah and South Miami to Collins Avenue. Today we join the ranks of other great American cities with exemplary public transit like New York, D.C., and Boston!”
He paused for effect.
“The new Metrorail Transparent Line is the pinnacle of modern public transportation: sleek, quiet, fast, and absolutely discreet,” Gimenez gesticulated behind him. “But that’s enough from me. It’s time you see it for yourself. Let’s cut this ribbon and climb aboard!”
Gimenez spun around, opened the scissors, and squinted into ostensibly empty air. He giggled nervously.
“It’s gotta be around here somewhere!”
He sliced several times at his stubbornly vacuous surroundings. Reporters shifted uncomfortably in the morning sun.
In their zeal to build the most modern possible maglev train, the Transparent Line’s designers placed a premium on minimizing its visual impact. After all, who no one wanted giant concrete pylons disrupting their views of upper Biscayne Bay They therefore utilized the latest technology to render absolutely every part of the Metrorail extension—trains, platforms, turnstiles, ticketing machines—completely invisible to the human eye. Unfortunately for the mayor, this high-tech enthusiasm extended to the inaugural ribbon he so desperately wanted to cut.
Gimenez walked up and down the street, groping for the accursed streamer.
“Um, maybe it’s around the corner, or did we put it on 3rd Avenue?”
He shot a glance at his Director of Public Transit, who gave him a shrug.
“Well come on, then!” he cried at the reporters. “Everyone fan out! We spent $300 million on this thing and I’ll be damned if we can’t even find it!”
The Transparent Line will connect to the Ethereal Line, which runs from Brickell to FIU, and the Intangible Line uniting Downtown Miami with Fort Lauderdale. It joins Miami’s long list of world-class infrastructure and amenities like invisible bike lanes, invisible bus fleets, invisible sidewalks, invisible jobs, invisible healthcare, invisible rent control, and invisible government accountability.
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Andrew Otazo
'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.
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