Upon reflection that its unilateral $67 million donation of prime Downtown Miami property simply wasn’t sufficient to honor America’s Dear Leader, Miami Dade College’s Board of Trustees recently voted to hand over its entire Wolfson Campus to build Donald Trump’s presidential library.
“Miami Dade College’s long history of being the country’s most diverse institution of higher education, with a 75% Hispanic population and students from 167 countries speaking 63 languages ENDS TODAY!!!” yelled Madeline Pumariega, President of MDC, at a full assembly of the college’s students and professors. “The last things you lazy DEI kids need are new dorms, expanded course offerings, or better facilities! So, instead of dedicating our resources to working-class students trying to better their lives, we’re donating them to the most deserving figure on the planet: Donald Trump!”
Given Trump’s infamous aversion to reading, almost all the volumes in the new library’s 14.5-acre campus will be coloring books or 1980s Playboy foldouts. However, the Jeffrey Epstein Children’s Wing will be exclusively stocked with copies of Elfriede Jelinek 1989 novel Lust. An adjoining ICE Annex for Totally Not Political Prisoners will round out the campus.
The new library will be furnished with the most modern and tasteful facilities taxpayer money can buy. All lavatories will be men’s bathrooms with gold-plated urinals, though women can relieve themselves at a conveniently located Wendy’s four city blocks away upon purchasing a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger meal. Meanwhile, Whites Only water fountains will hearken back to Miami’s cozy Southern roots before Trump’s Cuban and Venezuelan American base mongrelized the city. Visitors caught speaking any language other than God’s American English will be black bagged and shunted to the ICE Annex.
A gargantuan pair of solid gold hands donated by the United Arab Emirates to be hung in the building’s airy foyer had to be recast several times to appear anything but hilariously inadequate. Meanwhile, all rooms will be wallpapered with the president’s Twitter feed.
Admission starts at $250,000, with payment made in unmarked $100 bills or wire transfers to a Belorussian state bank, though the public is welcome to participate in a free weekly Opus Dei Latin mass and book burning held in the courtyard.
Visitors will receive courtesy subscriptions to the Daily Stormer and Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s Ultra Top Secret newsletter. A buck-naked and lubed RFK Jr. is liable to jump out of the air vents and onto unsuspecting guests to stab them with syringes containing the measles virus, but they should be fine so long as they previously chugged their complimentary jug of unpasteurized milk.
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