“I’m the Secretary of State of the United States of America!” yelled a short, tubby man with dark hair and a Miami accent. He shook his bars in futile frustration while the dozen other detainees in his cell looked on and grinned. “I was a U.S. Senator! I ran for President! I…”
A burly Salvadoran guard slammed a baton onto the man’s knuckles, eliciting a cry of pain.
“¡Cáyate pendejo!” screamed the guard. “¡Aquí no eres nadie!”
In what the White House so far claims is a completely unrelated coincidence, Secretary of State Marco Rubio hasn’t been seen publicly in a week. This follows a spate of high-profile detentions and deportations of legal U.S. immigrants, including visa and green card holders.
A recently released WhatsApp transcript involving Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Attorney General Pam Bondi, Senior Advisor Stephen Miller, Vice President JD Vance, National Security Advisor Mike Waltz, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, and several other apparently unintentionally invited participants adds further context.
Kristi Noem: T-minus three minutes till agents pick up MR.
Pam Bondi: Does he suspect anything?
Kristi Noem: Nothing. He’s completely in the dark.
Stephen Miller: Makes sense. Damn wetback thinks he’s white.
JD Vance: Are you serious??? That freaking spic??
Tulsi Gabbard: Those are really insulting terms. He’s actually an island beaner. I’ll also accept shark food.
Mike Waltz: Lmaoooooooo! Got ‘em!
JD Vance: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 sorry, sorry, you’re right. Words have meanings.
Pete Davidson: Hey, why was I invited to this chat?
Pete Hegseth: What’s our evidence for deportation?
Kristi Noem: He has a tattoo on his inner thigh that says “Papi Chulo.”
Pam Bondi: Definitely gang affiliated.
JD Vance: Plus, I heard him speaking Spanish on the phone the other day.
Mike Walz: Yeah, that’s an automatic ticket back to his shithole country.
Kristi Noem: T-minus one minute. Agents are stationed outside the house to grab him when he takes out the trash.
Pete Hegseth: Woo! Let’s get this dickbag!
Pete Davidson: Guys, I’m serious. I’m a comedian. I was on SNL. Dated a Kardashian. I really don’t think I should be in this chat.
Joseph Khan: And I’m the executive editor of the New York Times.
Kristi Noem: We got him! He’s in the van! Tagged and bagged!
Pete Hegseth: Fuck yeah! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🍾🍾🍾🍾
Pam Bondi: 🙌🥂✈️🇸🇻
Stephen Miller: 卐 卐 卐 卐
Vladamir Putin: 🙏
Kim Jong-Un: Good job, everyone.
Asked to opine on the deportation of one of his most important Cabinet appointees, President Donald Trump had the following to say, “Yeah, you know, I really haven’t heard too much about it, but I do know Marco’s from a communist country, and we need to look into that very carefully. We can’t have communists running around our beautiful nation. America is for Americans, and everyone else can leave. That’s all I have to say for now.”
When confronted with the fact that Rubio was born in the U.S., Trump shrugged and added, “That doesn’t make him American.”
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