Exasperated with Miamians’ habit of arriving late to parties, conferences, classes, baptisms, weddings, funerals, breakfasts, brunches, lunches, dinners, and every other conceivable appointment, the Commerce Department’s National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) today implemented the world’s first Miami savings time. Beginning next month, all Miami-Dade residents will have to set their clocks two hours ahead so they can start showing up on time for a change.

This savings time will not be limited to the geographic confines of the county. All individuals who were born or have spent more than six consecutive months in Miami will be subject to its strictures.

“I don’t get what the big deal is,” said Melissa Fonseca, a 32-year-old Sweetwater resident. “It’s pretty rude to show up less than an hour and a half late. If I throw a house party and tell people it starts at 9, I’m still in my bathrobe by 9:30.”

NIST Director Walter G. Copan batted away concerns that all Miamians would still be on the same relative time, and therefore show up even later than previously.

“That true,” said Director Copan. “But the rest of the country would run two hours behind them, so at least they’ll arrive up on time for our events. I don’t give a damn what they do in South Florida.”

An informal South Florida street poll of Miami savings time found that 100% of locals shrugged their shoulders and resolved to just be four hours late from now on.

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Andrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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