This book is based on real events. Only the people, places, and events are fictionalized. The stupidity is 100% real.
TUCKER STEELE: Good morning, partisan populists, patriarchs, and pussy pounders, and welcome to the Panhandle Patriot Podcast! I’m your host, Tucker Steele, here to drop your daily dose of hard, right, and correct truth bombs. [Triple air horns.] Today we have an incredibly special guest on the show, so put down the lube, minimize the hentai, and listen up. I’d like to give a warm Triple P welcome to my commie-bashing, snowflake-melting, alien-deporting—and quite the looker too, if I’m being honest—Florida Governor Rhonda Santos!
GOVERNOR SANTOS: [Laughing] Thank you so much for the lovely compliments, Tucker.
TUCKER STEELE: It’s my great honor to welcome and only lightly flirt with you, Madam Governor. The feminazis love nothing more than to shame men for just being polite, but I knew you’d appreciate my appreciation for how great you look.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Thank you.
TUCKER STEELE: OK, cards on the table, I obviously voted for you in the last general gubernatorial election.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: I would certainly hope so, Tucker.
TUCKER STEELE: Of course, of course. I’d never vote for that child molester you ran against. What’s his name again?
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Doesn’t matter.
TUCKER STEELE: [Laughing] Absolutely not. But I’m going to be perfectly honest with you. I did not vote for you during the primary. I liked your policies, I liked your tone, I obviously love the way you look, but I couldn’t bring myself to vote for a woman.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: That’s, of course, your prerogative. I don’t blame you given how so many women out there just want to emasculate men nowadays.
TUCKER STEELE: Exactly. However, I’m happy to admit that you completely won me over. The way put the fear of God back into the gays, the way you cracked down on the illegals taking real Americans’ jobs, the way you proudly declared that there’s nothing wrong with feeling pride in being white and in everything European civilization has done to end barbarism and tame the savages across the world, the way you refused to kowtow to the handicapped…
GOVERNOR SANTOS: I’m going to stop you right there, Tucker. I didn’t come on the show because you ran a PC podcast.
TUCKER STEELE: Of course not, Madam Governor. We take pride in calling things exactly as they are.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Well then, let’s not use PC terms, Tucker. They’re not handicapped. They’re cripples. An especially fitting term since they’re crippling the state’s economy with their crippled socialism.
TUCKER STEELE: I fucking love you, Governor Santos.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: The feeling is mutual, Tucker.
TUCKER STEELE: See that, that right there exactly reinforces the point I was trying to make. You won me over because you don’t act like a typical woman. Your strength, your fearlessness, your take no prisoners mentality—I basically see you as a man.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: I take that as a compliment.
TUCKER STEELE: It is. Mind you, you’re nothing like a roided up gym rat or anything.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: [Laughing] Definitely not.
TUCKER STEELE: If anything, you’re a very sexy man, a man I wouldn’t mind taking out to dinner, or bringing back to my place… [Three second pause.] Wait a minute. Paul?
PODCAST PRODUCER: Yes, Tucker?
TUCKER STEELE: We’re going to need to fix those last few lines in post. I can’t have our audience thinking I want to fuck a dude.
PODCAST PRODUCER: You got it. Let’s keep rolling.
TUCKER STEELE: OK. Right. Anyway, Madam Governor, you’re a woman who basically runs this state like a real man, and I truly appreciate that. Which brings us to the reason you’re on the show: to talk about Miami Heights.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: That’s right.
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Alright, let’s get back to the pod. Governor Santos, why don’t you tell us a bit about your plans with Miami Heights.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: I’d love to. As you know, the climate doomers have been shouting from the rooftops for years that Florida is sinking! Florida is sinking!
TUCKER STEELE: Yes, they have.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Well, I say no! Florida is rising! Figuratively and literally! How do you think these Debbie Downers explain Miami Heights?
TUCKER STEELE: They can’t.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: They can’t! It’s 150 feet above sea level! Not even their most hysterically apocalyptic projections could put that underwater in a million years. They have no idea how it happened, just like they have no idea whether the climate is really changing. Look folks, summers in Florida are hot.
TUCKER STEELE: That’s right.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it floods. That’s all part of living in the Free State of Florida.
TUCKER STEELE: Absolutely.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: If you can’t deal, then get out! Go play hacky sack and hide the pickle in Brooklyn or San Francisco.
TUCKER STEELE: [Laughs.]
GOVERNOR SANTOS: I’ll tell you what I’ll be doing in the meantime: lowering Floridians’ property insurance premiums by bringing back all the big insurers that want to get in on Miami Heights. Well guess what, if they want to insure Miami Heights, then they’ll sure as hell have to insure the rest of the state.
TUCKER STEELE: That’s real masculine government in action, right there. And is it true Floridians won’t have to pay additional taxes to develop Miami Heights?
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Not a penny, Tucker. It’s all 100% capitalist. Exactly how George Washington, Ben Franklin, Andrew Jackson, and the other Founding Fathers intended. The best part is that Miami Heights is drawing billions of dollars in private wealth to Florida. We’re talking the best of the best: founders, CEOs, real job creators the rest of the state could really benefit from. Nothing like the gangbangers and rapists liberals have been flooding this country with for decades. These are exactly the kinds of miscreants we drove away from the old neighborhood to develop Miami Heights, by the way.
TUCKER STEELE: Tell me more.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Well, the area was once known as Seabreeze Ridge—a real cesspool of drugs, prostitution, and murderous toughs—all controlled by illegal alien gangs and the leftists who enabled them.
TUCKER STEELE: Tale as old as time.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: That’s right. So, when the Bulge appeared, I saw it as the perfect opportunity to clean house. We removed all that filth off Miami Heights and took advantage of a priceless opportunity to replace criminals and leeches with real Americans, real leaders who have the resources to improve the lives of real, everyday Floridians.
TUCKER STEELE: That’s all fantastic, though I understand the lamestream media has been bitching about your efforts.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Yes, it’s an unfortunate but not unexpected response. The liberal media loves nothing more than to slander every initiative and program I enact to help my constituents.
TUCKER STEELE: Who in particular is attacking you and what are they saying? You know that the entire Panhandle Patriot army would love nothing more than to even the score on your behalf.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Well, basically every Leftist outlet has carried the fake news that I gifted Miami Heights to a developer, but there’s one unemployed, unprincipled reporter in particular who launched this entire slander campaign. Her name is Cynthia Burgos. She published a piece in The Atlantic that was full of baseless allegations using stolen government documents.
TUCKER STEELE: You heard it here first, everybody. Her name is Cynthia Burgos. We have plenty of highly motivated listeners who will have no problem tracking down her address if they’re so inclined. Do whatever you like with that information, folks! Also, have you found the mole that leaked the documents?
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Not yet but we’re on his trail. Anyway, this so-called journalist, accused me of some nebulous, nefarious plot to screw over Floridians, but the fact of the matter is that Miami Heights is specifically designed to improve middle and working-class people’s lives.
TUCKER STEELE: Tell me more.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Happily. Not only will it provide new employment by attracting thousands of high-net-worth job creators to the state, but it’ll also focus the wealthiest South Florida residents into a single neighborhood. That’ll inevitably create a housing surplus that’ll lower rents and mortgages across the region. It’s classic trickle-down real estate.
TUCKER STEELE: Fuck yes! Do you expect any future Miami Heights to pop up in other parts of the state!
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Maybe! It’s a distinct possibility! Our state scientists—not the federal shills—are looking into it as we speak. But I don’t plan on sitting on my hands and hoping another Miami Heights just appears out of nowhere.
TUCKER STEELE: What do you mean?
GOVERNOR SANTOS: Ah! I can’t say just yet but let me just mention that we have something big, that’s to say, some very big things in the works.
TUCKER STEELE: OK, I understand that you want to keep your cards close to your magnificent chest until you’re ready to show the world.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: [Laughing] Oh, you’re just too much!
TUCKER STEELE: You have no idea, but I’m positive you can handle it. Alright, my Triple P listeners, that’s all the time we have today. Before I go, I just have to plug our second podcast sponsor: CuckCoin, the newest, most booming cryptocurrency available. Cuck the market today with CuckCoin. If you’re not stocking up on CuckCoin right now, you’re the real cuck.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: I might just go buy some as soon as we’re done.
TUCKER STEELE: Damn straight. OK, Governor Santos, thank you again for coming on the show. It’s so great seeing our elected leaders kicking so much ass and owning the Libs.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: It was a pleasure, Tucker.
TUCKER STEELE: The pleasure was all mine, Madam Governor. But if you’re interested in even more, you have my number.
GOVERNOR SANTOS: [Laughing.]
TUCKER STEELE: Alrighty, lady and gentlemen, that’s our show for today. Thanks for tuning in to the Panhandle Patriot Podcast. I’m your host, Tucker Steele. Paul Lyons is our producer making this whole thing happen from behind the scenes. Keep running, gunning, and cumming. Preferably inside. I’ll catch you next time. Steele out! [Triple air horns.]
If you like our stories, check out The Miami Creation Myth hardcover.
