Miami's World Cup bribe

FIFA, the world’s premiere association for perfidious, balding, European men that also occasionally organizes soccer matches, graciously accepted its customary World Cup bribe from Miami in cryptocurrency. More specifically, it chose payment in MiamiCoin, now valued 97% below its opening price at $0.0011. Since FIFA’s obligatory kickback usually costs cities $100 million, Miami’s check for 90,909,090,909.09 MiamiCoin ran a bit long.

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis assured ticket holders that all undocumented immigrants who built the World Cup’s venue at Hard Rock Stadium would be either deported two weeks before kickoff or buried alive in the foundations as a ritual sacrifice to appease the Cult of the Orange One.

Meanwhile, City of Miami Mayor Francis Suarez touted the World Cup bid win as the perfect opportunity to build 14 more arenas on public land, thereby completing South Florida’s transformation into a crypto-stadium economy.

Asked how the World Cup will benefit average Miamians, FIFA President Gianni Infantino spun his monocle, brushed his tuxedo coattails, adjusted his top hat, and kicked a passing dog.

“All of Miami’s major economic sectors will benefit!” he exclaimed in an exaggerated Swiss accent after snorting a bump of caviar laced with amphetamines and gold leaf. “Bentley dealerships, Fabergé egg emporiums, human-hunting safari outfitters, and shoe shiners—I mean, who else even lives in Miami?”

Miami’s drivers—long accustomed to Mad Max chase scenes to and from work, school, and literally everywhere else—will now have to deal with an influx of monied, mulleted soccer fans who don’t understand that stop, speed limit, and no parking signs are completely indecipherable and therefore best ignored.

Upper deck ticket prices for World Cup matches start at a fully furnished 3-bed, 2-bath, single family home in Coral Gables.

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Andrew OtazoAndrew Otazo

'Miami Creation Myth' author Andrew Otazo has advised officials on Cuba policy, worked for the Mexican president, fired a tank, and ran with 30lbs of trash.

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